Have you ever looked at somebody who you thought used to be perfected that has since changed in a negative way as a human being into something that was unnecessary and unmeritable? When I look back at how Bekki changed for the worst, what she did to me and how she hurt me and allowed our relationship to sink quicker than the Titanic (shameless cliche), it hurts me beyond belief. She was, at once upon a time, the perfect girlfriend before the immature whining about my past and the inevitable screw-over.
I failed to mention in one of my posts about the autumn of 2009 about the fact that in October 2009 Bekki told her friends, behind my back, that she and I broke up. That couldn’t have been further from the truth, but that’s what she told them, as I found out in the weeks following as they asked me if Bekki and I were still together, that they were told by her, herself, that we’d broken up. Bekki told me that she was just trying to protect our relationship from her parents, but that was an unequivocal lie! Her friends had known about our relationship for over a year and she didn’t mind bragging about it, but all of a sudden she pulled this stunt?
Through my love for her, I was blind at the obvious red flags that were in front of me. All the secret enjoyment she obviously got from having her ass grabbed by the guys at her school and the attention she was getting in general, I looked past it because I always tried my best to believe the best in her. Don’t worry, I became even more pathetic and you will see how.
Super Bowl weekend, Saturday, February 6, 2010, Bekki spent the night at one of her friends’ houses with their group of gal pals. I’m mentioning this because, that night, when she called to tell me goodnight and that she loved me, she called me, and when I answered, she quickly said, “I love you!”, whispering it, and hung up. She obviously didn’t want her friends to know she was calling me. This hurt me beyond belief.
I’m about to tell you something that hurt me even more and rocked me to my core.
On Saturday, February 20, 2010, after not talking to her for a few days in a row, which had me in disbelief, since back in 2008 and 2009 if we went a day without talking she’d cry her eyes out and tell me how much she missed me. By February 2010 she couldn’t have given less of a damn about consistently talking to me. She simply didn’t give a flying fuck, as made evident by her actions.
But that Saturday. That lone day in February 2010… I remember logging into Facebook and seeing that her friends were adding “Bekki [her name]”. Upon clicking, I saw it. “In a relationship with [guy]”. I called her immediately and left a scathing voicemail on her phone. She called back minutes later to explain. In her explanation, she said that her parents were trying to force her to be with ‘this guy’, that she wasn’t cheating, that she was only trying to appease her mother and make her happy, that she didn’t give a shit about ‘this guy’ and that her new Facebook was just a show, a put on, a front.
I spent the entire weekend stressing and freaking out over it, trying to figure out whether I should break up with her or not, and my conclusion? I didn’t. I stuck with her. To this day I regret not breaking up with her. If I could have two of my biggest regrets in my life revealed, they would be: not standing my ground when she began going off about my past in 2009 and not breaking up with her on Saturday, February 20, 2010. I disrespected myself both times and completely deflated my confidence and self-esteem.
I caught Bekki cheating on me right in front of my eyes and allowed her to come up with an excuse to boldface lie to me about it, saying that she wasn’t.
I was a fucking idiot.
I believed the best in her. I always wanted to believe the best in her. As a human being, that she was truly a good person, that she loved me and was loyal to me and wouldn’t hurt me like that. I wanted to believe so badly, even though it was obvious she was cheating. I forced myself to believe her even though, deep down in my gut, I knew I couldn’t trust her and that she wasn’t telling the truth.
We remained together throughout 2010 and talked less and less. I was constantly hurt, depressed and lacked the extremely high levels of confidence and self-esteem that I had.
And oh, yeah, I was lying to my friends and family telling them that I was still attending college classes even though I wasn’t. I never signed back up for them. I just gave them the facade that I was taking online classes. That made me even more pathetic.
Here I was, a year removed from the best year of my life, and I was nothing. The girlfriend that was loyal to me for 17 months was nothing more than a whiny, lying cheater. I wanted to believe in her so badly. I wanted her to go back into being the angel that she was before the bullshit began to occur. Why did she have to change in a negative way? Something I’ll never understand to this day.
As the year 2010 ensued, she never fessed up to cheating. She acted like she was all mine, but I knew better, deep down, even though I wanted to believe her so unbelievably badly.
By September 2010, we were only talking once or twice week, sometimes — rarely — three times a week. We went from talking each and every single night and day back in 2008 and 2009, from the morning, afternoon, evening and night to only talking for about 45 minutes once or twice a week in the evening.
Like I said, I should have ended things on February 20, 2010 but I was blinded by love. I was an 18-year-old young buck that had fucked up his time in college and in a relationship with a girl that didn’t give a shit that she was lying to and cheating on me.
I could write a book or three about every last detail of our relationship, but there’s no use. I blame myself for her cheating. People have told me before that there’s nothing I could have done to have changed what she did to me, but honestly, I believe I could have. More on this in the next post, which will contain what happened to cap off the ‘incredible‘ year that was 2010.