Like One Step Forward and Two Steps Back


As the days were shortening with daylight savings time ending and the weather becoming cooler, my drives to night class waste time were becoming more and more depressing. I’d listen to the local top hits station and popular songs from the time would play. These songs to this day take me back to that bittersweet time period from the autumn of 2009:

  • “Not Meant To be” by Theory of a Deadman
  • “Whatever it Takes” by Lifehouse
  • “Smile” by Uncle Kracker
  • “Fallin’ For You” by Colbie Caillat
  • “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas
  • “Already Gone” by Kelly Clarkson

Other songs were often played, but I can’t think of the others at the moment. Those are the ones that stand out the most and are ingrained in my mind as “songs of the autumn of 2009” and induce a lot of intense memories and nostalgia.

Despite how phone calls with Bekki were starting to feel like a game of Russian Roulette since I never knew when she was going to make a big deal out of something trivial or not, we were still talking every night as of October 2009 and things were getting a bit better.

On Wednesday, October 14, 2009 she surprised me that morning by calling me at around 8 and we talked all day long. She didn’t have school that day, and since it was Wednesday I didn’t have any college classes. It was a great day, reminiscent of how things were for us in late 2008 and for the most part of the year 2009. Things seemed like they were looking up again. For that day, in that very exact, specific moment, I was happy. I loved her, she loved me. There was no complaints about my past, no unjustified, immature whining. Just happiness.

The night of Tuesday, October 20, 2009 was the last time we ever talked at night (up until June 29 and June 30, 2010 respectively). That was it. Before, when her parents would do everything they could to stop her from being on the phone at night, she’d resist and find any and every way possible to contact me. After that, nope. She just didn’t care anymore. She was fine with simply calling me in the morning, afternoon and in the evening. Writing that out, and I’m sure by reading it, that probably sounds excessive as is, but they were short conversations compared to our chats at night. It hurt, not being able to talk to her at night anymore. I missed her. Things were definitely not the same and I wasn’t comfortable with it.

I was lying to everyone about taking all of my classes. Like I said in the last post, I was taking English and that was it. My time driving to the town that featured my night classes was spent musing on life, overthinking, overanalyzing and stressing out to and from. Looking back on that time period, I’m not sure how I didn’t go crazy. This time, as well as the last few years, has and have been the darkest times of my life.

Bekki and I weren’t talking like we used to. Not as much. She was still acting bitter about my past, and it only got worse. November 2009 turned out to be hands down the most stressful month of that autumn. I told Bekki, for some inexplicable reason, that I was cheated on by one of my ex-girlfriends. This was a true thing, but I’d never talked about it before. Instead of embracing that truth with love and care, she lashed out at me with intense anger over the fact that I never told her before, despite all the lying she was beginning to spew at me.

Once again, as I detailed in the last couple of posts, I acted like a truth-to-life beta male, apologized, cried to her, begged her to not be angry and pleaded with her to forgive me. I was pathetic.

Things went from being incredible from July 2008-September 2009 to completely stressful, uncomfortable and absolutely awful at that point in 2009. Were things salvageable? I guess. We were making things work. Out of everything to cause relationships to fall, her immature inability to let go of my past was the turning point in our own relationship. How does that happen? Why did it have to happpen?


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