Then, As It Was, Then Again It Will Be

As I detailed in the last post, I’d completely lost all of my dignity. I was pathetic. Not even a caricature or a shell of the person I was in 2008 and 2009. I was a completely different person in the worst way possible, losing every last bit of respect for myself as a man and overall human being. Bekki and I were only talking once a week going into late December 2010.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010 we had a three hour conversation. And I didn’t hear from her again after that. She just up and left. No more phone calls. No contact. She didn’t even break up with me. Nothing. Nada.

I was an absolute mess for the entirety of 2010. No answers, no closure, nothing. The girl that said she was all mine and mine only, the girl that said she’d always love me, the girl that said she’d always ‘be here for me’, wasn’t. She was gone. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know where she went.

Then, while on Facebook one night checking my messages at around 12:30 A.M. on Wednesday, September 7, 2011 I saw on the “Other” tab “Other (1)” indicating that I had a message from somebody I didn’t have added. Upon clicking it, I saw her name pop up. A familiar feeling, like the one of my heart dropping to my intestines, was felt again.

In her message, she admitted to lying to me and cheating on me. She wanted to patch things up with me. Long story short, we talked.

We talked, in fact, for three months. Three glorious months of things that were like the way they were in 2008 and 2009. Any man with a modicum of self-respect would have said, “Get the fuck out of my life, you dirty whore, and never come back”, but me? I loved this girl more than any other human being ever could or would. She was my baby.

Then, at 12:29 A.M. on December 8, 2011, that was the last time I ever heard her voice. She’d fucked me over once again.

Four months later, on her 18th birthday on April 23, 2012 I sent her an angry letter in an email. I didn’t call her any names, I didn’t even say anything bad. I just detailed her lies to her, tried to show her the truth of her dumb actions/mistakes and allow her to understand the dumbfuckery of what she did.

I texted her, telling her she needed to read the email. She never responded to the email, but she did to the text.

She simply said, “I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t have to grow up as quickly as you. I’m trying to mature and grow up. I wish you a long and happy life.”

That was it. That’s the last thing she ever said to me.

That’s how she never, ever felt one iota of remorse from whining about my past, lying to me and cheating on me. I guess that’s the kind of excuse you can use to lead on somebody for years of their life that they’ll never be able to get back. I loved her more, supported her more, cared about her more and did more things for her than any other human being on the planet ever has, ever could or ever will, and she fucked me over without one bit of remorse.

She ruined an amazing relationship that should have lasted for a lifetime for no reason. And I blame myself.

The guy she’s with now can’t even hold a candle to me. I’m better than him in each and every single way as a man and overall human being. I know I am. She had a baby in January of this year (2013). I’m never going to hear from her again. And that fact eats me alive each and every single day. I love her more than that dumbfuck of a shmuck ever will. I hate the way things went down. If I could, I’d go back to Friday, July 24, 2009 and fix things. I’m certain that if I would have stood my ground about her whining over my past in late 2009 that we’d still be together today. That she would have never cheated. But oh well. C’est la vie. Such is life. She hurt me as badly as she could and never felt bad about it. She ruined things with the greatest human being — me — that she’s ever met.

All of the above, and the other posts I’ve written? The nutshell version of them.

I still love her and I still miss her. I don’t miss the whiny, lying, cheating, childish [insert insult here] that she rendered herself into. I miss the loving, caring, kind, supportive, intelligent, honest, trustworthy, loyal, humorous, amazing girlfriend that she was for one year.

I’ve been majorly depressed for almost four years now. All because of all of this that’s happened. Like I said, I’d give anything for it to be physically possible to take a time machine back to Friday, July 24, 2009 and go from there to change everything.

I miss the way things used to be.

I created this blog to chronicle my past, even if I’ve written seven posts so far detailing what’s transpired in a nutshell. But I created all of this not only to chronicle my past, but to chronicle my future. I want to rectify my life. I’m bitter about everything. I miss her so fucking much. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll never, ever get over her 110%. She was my first love, and I still believe that she and I should have been together forever. I haven’t contacted her in over a year and I won’t again. I need to heal up, at least a little bit.

I want to better my life as a person and man. I want to move on. I want to get back into great shape and be happy again. That’s why I created this blog. Show failure. Experience more adversity, battle through it, and become better.

I have one year. Next August I’ll go back to college and fix everything. I must. I just must. Failure is an object. Whoever said failure isn’t an option is a liar. Failure is the easiest option there is because it’s always available. But I refuse to fail. I just can’t.

The last near four years have been the toughest time of my life. When you invest years of your life with and for another human being, losing them can tear you apart and to pieces. I’m in pieces, but I know and believe wholeheartedly that I can put myself back together. I want to go back to being who I was in 2008 and 2009 before things started to fall apart.


One thought on “Then, As It Was, Then Again It Will Be

  1. Pingback: Don’t Commit Suicide Over a Lost Relationship | Sogna Grandezza

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