The reason I’ve been using this blog (so far) as an outlet to bitch about my past (the relationship with Bekki) is to let it all out. All of the feelings. I need to get them out there. Out of my head. None of you, my readers that I appreciate, will be able to fully grasp everything that’s occurred in the last few years, but that’s alright. I just need to write about all of it.
This blog is going to be something special to me, in the long run. You see, next year, in July, I’ll be going back to college and starting classes in August 2014. I’m as nervous as all get out. This blog will be my domain to structure myself, to use as a stepping stone to better myself in the long run as I’ll concoct plans for the future and to better myself as a man and overall human being.
Right now, I’m a wounded animal. I’m in this constant, perpetual cycle of unremitting pain, mostly blamed on myself these days because I’m constantly thinking about Bekki. She’s my last thought before I go to bed at night and the first thought when I wake up. Like I’ve written before, I don’t instantly think of what she did to me in 2010 and 2011. I think about how she was in 2008 and 2009, and the memories begin to form a single file line of an influx in my head. I miss her. “That” version of her. Not the liar/cheater she rendered herself into.
Blogs that feature the primary writer bitching day in and day out are a dime a dozen. My blog is nothing special. The name of it, “Sogna Grandezza” just means “Dream Greatness” or “Dreams of Greatness” in Italian. I’m just a 6’3″, 225 pound man. I’m a perfectionist and feel like, if I can’t do something perfectly correct then I shouldn’t try at all. I have more flaws than I can count. I’ve been harsh on myself these past few years and my low levels of confidence and self-esteem have been predicated on that. I used to be a suave, smooth talking, confident young man, but after being lied to and cheated on by a girl that I still love (even though she doesn’t deserve a bit of the love that I cannot help to feel) I’ve been a caricature of my former self.
My late father was a leader and an alpha male among men. He grew up poor, with seven brothers and two sisters. He came from nothing. He owned his very own business. He had a kind candor and liked to joke around with his customers and make them feel at home and like friends. He was very generous, though. A lot of people took advantage of him in his life because of his generosity. At his wake, I can’t believe how many people showed up. It was ridiculous. I was 12 when he died. I couldn’t go to his funeral because I’d cried so much to the point of making myself sick. This was nearly ten years ago. I look up to my dad a lot, in many ways. The way he went out of his way to strive to be and make something out of himself inspires me. I mentioned him because I need to take control of my own life and do whatever it takes to be happy again. I just don’t know how. Maybe my blog will lead me on the path to figuring it all out, with some work by yours truly.
Happiness. Shit. I don’t think I’ve been truly happy since September 2009. That was it. After that, nada. Stress, worry, pain, sadness, disappointment and anger. Those five vaults of despair have plagued my life and hindered any progress.
A life without pain is a life without challenge and a life without challenge is a life without growth.
I’ll actually be 22 in exactly one month from today.
While I’m a person that enjoys being alone, I’ve been lonely. I guess I was spoiled at one point in time. Bekki once told me, “You’ll never be alone”. Oh, yeah, Bekki? Well, what am I now? What’d you do to me?
I digress. I keep swaying from the topic.
I haven’t walked into the community college that I’m going to go back to in July 2014 since Thursday, December 10, 2009. I took my English exam that day and left. I never went back. I’m so damn scared. Walking in, the smell of the building is going to hit me in the face. Smells do that to me, instigating memories and inducing nostalgia. I get butterflies in my stomach as I think about it, because I know I’m going to remember the autumn of 2009 and think about everything that transpired. My mind is going to race back to that time period, how great everything was when it started and how decimated I was when the year of 2009 ended.
Nostalgia is a bitch.
I miss Bekki. The way she was in 2008 and 2009. I’m scared to death of moving on, into the future. This is going to be a new journey for me, a brand new chapter in my life. It’s going to be a test against adversity. It will most definitely be not only a challenge, but a series of challenges. I just miss the way my life used to be this time four years ago. I was so optimistic, confident and happy. Bekki loved me and she was honest and not a liar yet. She was loyal and not a cheater yet. Life was great. Until it wasn’t.
Four years ago. People that are seniors in high school now were merely beginning their eighth grade years at that time. I can’t believe how fast time has flown by. I’d give anything in the world to go back to Friday, July 24, 2009 and go from there, to try to fix these. One more chance. More shot shot. I was comfortable back then. Nowadays, I’m not.
Time to meet the challenges head on, in the face.