A man that commits suicide over losing his girlfriend, wife or partner, is a man that acts from the breaks of impulse. The phrase, “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” applies here. But there are so many human beings who do this, have tried to do this or have thought about this.
I was five months into being 18-years-old on Sunday, February 21, 2010. I had just found out the day before that my girlfriend of seventeen months, Bekki, had been cheating on me. She, of course, came up with the lie/excuse that her parents were forcing her to be with this guy. I didn’t believe her. You can read my other posts under the category “My Past” to find out what happened.
But yes, on that Sunday in February, I woke up that morning with the intention of committing suicide. I felt like if there was one thing I could do to send a message to Bekki to curtail her lying, whoretastic ways, it would be through the means of suicide. I would no longer be a part of earth, but maybe she’d get the message that lying to somebody, cheating on them and leading them on isn’t the right way to go about things in life.
I didn’t, though. She called me in the middle of the day, cried, told me all kinds of excuses, that she was all mine and mine only, and all kinds of jazz. Deep down, I still didn’t believe her. For the entire year of 2010 I didn’t believe her. But I wanted to. I wanted to believe her so badly, so badly to the point that I took her back. The mentality of suicide never left my mind for that entire year.
When Bekki up and left after December 2010 without explanation, reasoning or closure (read here), I was in a state of denial for a month into January 2011. I watched the TV series “Rescue Me”, ate a keto diet and was busy.
In February 2011, around Valentine’s Day, it hit me. Bekki was gone. I hadn’t heard from her in nearly two months. I collapsed and cried for days. I was in stabbing pain. I wanted to commit suicide. It’s all I thought about. For months and months of the year 2011, I thought about suicide. Every night, every morning, all day, I would keep these thoughts to myself, but I just wanted to kill myself to rid the pain of being hurt by this goddamn lying, cheating bitch that I loved (love). Every day I’d ask myself “How can you do something like this to somebody that loves you more than anyone else ever has or ever will?”
2012, much of the same. It hurt. Every day.
But now, it’s August 19, 2013, and you know what? Committing suicide over a girl would have been stupid and I’d be wasting my life over somebody that didn’t nor doesn’t even deserve me. As much as I love her and want to be with her (I want to be with the 2008-2009 version of Bekki, not the lying, cheating [insert insult here] that she turned into in 2010), I’ll never be able to trust her again and she’s not worth committing suicide over. There are 7 billion women in the world. Over 3.5 billion are women. Imagine how many are single. There are plenty of connections you can have in life, not just one. There’s no “love of my life”. That phrase implies singularity. There are several people out there that you can connect and have chemistry with.
Besides, she’s not perfect. She was, for a year. But then she was exposed. Her immaturity, her lying, her cheating, her bitchiness, her rudeness, her ability to hurt me and walk away.
For a long time, I blamed myself. Sometimes, I still do. But that’s on her. Her hurting me? That’s her problem. Not mine. I’m the greatest thing that has ever or will ever happened to her.
She? She’s not the greatest thing to ever happen to me. She was, for a year. Until she whined about my past, lied to me, cheated on me and screwed me over twice within a year. A girl who lies and cheats is a dime a dozen. A 6’3″, tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, witty and humorous man such as myself? One in a billion, baby. I’m a damn good writer, I have a deep voice, I have high testosterone levels, I know intricate things about nutritional science, I’m the most loyal human being in the world, I’m very generous and selfless, I love and love and love and I don’t stop, I don’t take advantage of people. Those are just some qualities about myself that I SHOULD focus on and I SHOULD brag about. Confidence and self-esteem boosts are important.
Search for the good in yourself. It’s there, I promise. Recognize it. Focus on the flaws of the girl you lost. Look at what happened in the relationship. Understand that you can and will find somebody else, somebody that won’t hurt you or bring you down.
I know I will.
If I can, anyone can. Man up. Woman up. Just do it. I can. You can.