I realize that Bekki (ex-girlfriend, if you’ve been reading my blog) isn’t good for me. She’s actually not good for anyone, unless she matures, stops lying and doesn’t cheat. Apparently that’s working out for her because she’s been with a random schmuck for nearly two years now and just had a baby in the beginning of this year. Why should a immature liar/cheater procreate? I digress.
This is one of the hurdles I’m trying to get over: getting over the combination of anger and sadness that I feel. One of the emotions dominates the other one, usually. It varies. I have every right to feel both ways, but I want to stop. The pain has been bothering me for a few years now. I’m no stranger to adversity or loss, but this has been one of the biggest challenges of my life. Understandably so, if you’ve ever put your heart and soul into a relationship that was ruined and thrown away for no reason by your significant other.
How can you lie to, lead on and check on somebody that unquestionably loves you? How can you kick them out of your life and feel no remorse at all?
This unremitting, perpetual cycle of sadness and depression over her is becoming too much. Hell, it became too much last year and I didn’t do anything about it. I’ve met other girls, have had failed brief relationships and still have thought about Bekki each and every day. Mind numbing.
Is she worth all of these emotions and worth being a life hindrance?
But for some reason, I love her. No matter how you slice the pie, I do. I often wonder if she’s alright, if that scrawny, fugly shmuck of a bumrat is taking care of her. One of the things I wonder most? If she ever, ever thinks about me. I was her first love, the guy that was there for her through thick and thin, the one person that took care of her during her darkest days, the one person that did it all for her. But I still believe she either 1.) hates me or 2.) will forget about me completely. Those thoughts hurt me all to hell.
She’s not worth all of this pain, but I still feel it. There’s no off-switch. I want to be with her. Not the whiny, lying, cheating, immature version of her, but the girl she was from July 2008 through September 2009. I miss that girl. She’s gone now. And she’s never coming back.
I know Bekki, in general, is never coming back. Even if she did, like I said, I could never trust her again no matter how badly I WANT to. And also, like I said, she has a daughter now, from that guy. She and I planned to have kids one day. Before all of the bullshit ensued.
It’s time to move on. Now or never. I just know that I’m still gonna think about her in the future as well. I can’t help it. You can’t just flip off an imaginary “on/off switch” when it comes to loving and caring about someone you spent some of your best (and worse) days with.