Obviously I’m a male (if you haven’t noticed yet; I won’t blame you if you haven’t). I’m 6’3″ at 220 lbs. I have a beard. And the last time I had my testosterone levels checked, my total T was 953.8 ng/dl (nanograms/deciliters).
Yet none of that means nothing. I personally know a 5’5″, 145 lb. man that’s more of a ‘man’ than I’ve ever likely been.
The whole ‘manliness’ and ‘masculine energy’ thing has become a bit of a meme on the internet for the last few years. It’s like a parody in and of itself.
My personal view, when I think of masculinity and what it ‘means’ to be a ‘man’, these words and descriptions form an influx into my head: confidence, assertiveness, decisiveness, energy, driven, persistent, a man that’s comfortable in his own shoes… the list goes on.
I was like that before the year 2010. If you’ve been reading the blog, things changed, so I won’t get into that.
I’m trying to rekindle the masculine edge I once have. I’ll do it. I know I will. The first thing I need to rebuild is my confidence. To be honest, in reality and outside of this anonymous blog I’ve been faking it. I’ve done an alright job at it, but I’m not a good actor, so I want to sublimate the fictitiousness of it all into a true to life but intangible, authentic form.
First thing’s first, I need to get back into working out, like I used to. I’m a big MMA and boxing advocate. Doing what I love will build confidence. Writing this blog, since writing is something I love (despite my hate for proofreading/editing), will build confidence. Just two examples that will augment my personal self-esteem. I also need exposure, to things that scare me, like for now, commitment. I’m not saying I’m going to go around and commit to the first girl that shows interest or anything like that, but I need to understand first and foremost that these girls, these women, out there aren’t Bekki (ex-girlfriend) and that it would be unfair to generalize them all as the kind of person she is today. Bitterness puts people into this monstrosity of a mindset, though.
“He who cannot obey himself will be commanded”
– Friedrich Nietzsche
None of this means anything if I can’t parlay it all into action. I’ve lost control of my life due to my thoughts taking over. When you are depressed, you don’t feel like getting out of bed and busting your ass through the means of exercise. You feel like staying there and not even moving. It’s merely a reaction of the mind, not a physical reaction. Given the ‘mind over matter’ concept that you can instill in yourself (poof, magically), you just have to get up. Stand up. Move. Just move. Walk around your house. Do anything you can. You might not feel like it, but as soon as you get up and moving that itself can make all the differences in the world. Like the one saying goes, a body in motion stays in motion.
I’m not the biggest Lynyrd Skynyrd fan, but as a man you’ve gotta be a free bird. Don’t chain yourself up to a woman, no matter how much you love her. This is not saying that you shouldn’t be loyal in a relationship, but what I’m saying is that you should have your own life, too. You should have your set of friends, your best friends; you should have your own hobbies and interests that are in specific particularity to you. As I wrote in a past post, the worst thing you can do as a man in a relationship (this is a mistake women can make, too, of course) is make your partner your world. Shutting out everything else in your life is a huge mistake. Trust me. I speak from experience and extreme pain.
I don’t like referring to the last 3+ years of my life as a lost cause, but to be honest, it probably was a waste of time, the way I allowed myself to dwindle as a man and overall human being. I hope that, in the future, I can reference those said years as learning points, mistakes to accrue wisdom from.
I miss waking up in the morning, being able to roll out of bed on a whim and tackling the day at hand with unequivocal confidence. There’s no reason I can’t do it again. And if I can do it, anybody can. It’s just a mindset issue.
What does it mean to be a man? If you are a adult male and you are living the life you want, there you go. You are a man. It doesn’t matter who you are or your lifestyle, if you are a man and you love your life, then there you go, you are ‘da man’.
The reason we feel pain and sadness as human beings, it’s our body’s natural defense mechanism and signal to our brain saying, “Hey, do something about this shit! This sucks!” as an order of motivation. Everybody, including myself, misinterprets this as a downer. Instead of doing something, we do nothing. The conscious understanding of this ‘signal’ will do your life some good.
I’m just a young buck and these are my personal thoughts. As I’ve also said before, failure IS an option. It’s the easiest option, like quitting. I have roughly a year or less to get myself straightened out to re-enter college next fall. Preparation is a must for yours truly, or I fail to attain my own personal goal.