This is a follow-up from this post: When and How Did My Life Go Wrong? (Part 1) (Click)
As I mentioned in Part 1, the autumn of 2009 was one hell of a ride, and not a good one. October 2009 was bittersweet for the aforementioned reasons: a mixture of hell and a pinch of happiness (although the hell overrode the happiness).
November 2009? A much worse month. “Red flags” are a funny thing. A lot of people say that red flags are conspicuously visible and easy to see before the end of a relationship, and it’s true (most of the time), but most people (like yours truly) can become blind to such things, looking through love-tainted glasses instead of viewing things with a broad perspective and seeing this, that or the other for what it really is.
By November 2009, I was extremely depressed. I should have been happy. Just a few months earlier, I was the happiest, most confident human being on earth, but I was allowing the relationship with Bekki to consume me, and it was obvious that things were going downhill. Not because of anything major, but because of her immaturity leading to a lot of whining about my past, and my inability to stand up and be a leader, to take charge and give her the ultimatum of leaving me or getting over everything. I acted like a bleating, wimpy beta male. I begged her for forgiveness, and that never worked. It was idiotic of me to apologize, anyway, because I never did one thing wrong, but what I did do was disrespect myself, and in the end (December 2010 and December 2011) I lost her. Or maybe she lost me. I guess that will depend on my future and if I become successful. That will answer that conundrum.
I was anxious all the time, anxiety through the roof. I couldn’t think. Because it was November ’09, the weather was getting colder and the days were getting darker at 4:30-5 in the evening. December 2009 was a better month than the November of that year, but nothing improved. January 2010 was a joke.
And speaking of January 2010, here’s the big, bad red flag: one day, and I believe it was during the first or second week of January 2010, but I’ll never forget Bekki saying, “I could live without you”. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’d remember reading that I wrote about the biggest mistake you can make in a relationship is making your partner your world/life. Her statement hit me hard. The fact that she would straight up say that was painful. About 30 seconds later she said, “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean that; I can’t live without you”. Any rational, stable human being would see that she just covered her ass there, but me? Blinded by love and insecurities, I couldn’t see that.
Then, of course, in February 2010, on Valentine’s Day, I didn’t hear from her until 8 that night. A far cry from the amazing Valentine’s Day from 2009.
Before, in 2008 and 2009, she’d be morose over not talking to me for a couple of days. By 2010? She didn’t give a shit. Just another example of a gargantuan red flag that I failed to see.
What can I say, folks? I was just 18-years-old and I loved/cared about this girl more than she deserved. I couldn’t (and can’t?) help it. I’m hard on myself a lot, but I do think I should cut some slack on myself in hindsight. But like I said, my biggest regret is not breaking up with her when I should have.
It was on Saturday, February 20, 2010 when I discovered that she was going behind my back and cheating on me. That’s also when I believed her when she told me she was just trying to appease her mom and that it was a fake relationship. A dumbass move on my part, believing a veritable liar and all.
Mistakes — you should learn from them. Accept them for what they are and move on into the past.
I just feel like, if I would have made the right decisions and choices, she and I would have been together today, and she would have never lied to or cheated on me. But it is what it is. Like I said, this blog is to help me move on. Writing this down on a screen has been both a blessing and truly haunting. Haunting because it’s forced nostalgia and memories to rush back into my head.
I KNOW I’m going to be fine as the future comes around. I’ll work on it. I’m just mind-blown by how fast time flies and the further and further away the years 2008 and 2009 are.
I hope I’ll eventually become an inspiration. I was a mess and I truly still am a mess. But I’m going to be better than ever. Eventually. And if I can do this, anybody can.