And I’m not even going back until August 2014, let alone going to sign up for classes until June/July of next year.
Yet I’m already feeling all kinds of anxiety when I think about it: butterflies in my stomach, my palms often get sweaty, my mind races, I can’t think, my heart rate increases, my breath becomes inconsistent…
Y’know, associations are a powerful thing, whether positive or negative. We all have different associations when it comes to different people, items, objects, etc.
This college, it’s nothing special. It’s a damn community college. I just want to go there, get out, go to a university, get my degree and move on. I should already be finished with everything, but my own mistakes have led me down this path. The year 2014 will be here in a little over four months. By June 2014, I will have been out of high school for five years, and I’ve accomplished nothing. By that five year mark, it will have been five years since the best time of my life, before everything went to hell and I didn’t recover because I ignored my own happiness and allowed my mind to go into a comatose state for far too long.
This college? I associate it with the autumn of 2009. Hell… what else could I associate it with? That was the time period from which I was there. I associate it with Bekki. Things were perfect at the beginning of that school year for us, but by the end of the semester, when December 2009 rolled around? I felt a mixture of anxiety and depression. You can read about it under the “My Past” category on the righthand sidebar.
The biggest step will be going and signing up for classes. How do I explain to the admissions chick (lack of a better phrase; I call her a ‘chick’ because she’s fairly young, or was four years ago; don’t mind me) why I started four years ago, and ended up only taking one class by the time the semester ended. Am I even going to be able to get financial aid? I really dug myself my own grave, y’know? I’m so damn nervous about how this is all going to play out, if I’m even going to be able to go back. What do I do? My friends and family think I’m still going, anyway. I’m pretty much a damn con-man by nature in this situation.
Walking into the building, smelling its scent… memories are going to flood into my mind. Scent is an underrated facet of a human being’s senses. It can take you to so many places in your mind. This college, just like all buildings, has its own scent, and if it still smells the way it did in late 2009, I know I’m going to feel like throwing up upon entering the building. I’m scared shitless. I won’t admit this anywhere but here. I am fucking terrified. Terrified about just walking into the place, talking to the admissions lady and worried that I won’t even be able to attend classes, anyway, if I can’t even get accepted to/by the financial aid people.
I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.
I wish I could go back in time to Friday, July 24, 2009 and start from there. I’d go to college, just like I did, and I’d attend all of my classes, pass them, and if Bekki gave me shit about my past (like I’ve written, being with girls before we met — her immature jealousy issue she never let go of and allowed to ruin our relationship) I’d tell her to either get the fuck over it or get the fuck out of my life.
I can’t believe I allowed all of this shit to pretty much crew my life up, y’know? It’s all my fault.
I know I’m beating myself up, something I do far too much, but I can’t help but think of how good I at it and how I let everything slip through my fingers back then. I’d give anything to go back in time and fix everything.
I just gotta prepare and look towards the future. Like I’ve said before, this blog is my way to do that, to help me through. I repeat myself often, and this is just a diatribe, but I don’t know… I need to do something. I need to go back. I should have went back this year. I waited too late and screwed up. Man, if things could just be simple without complications… am I a failure? Up to this point, yes, but hopefully that won’t be for too long. I just hope I can go back. If I can’t, then oh well, definitely a failure in my own mind, because what I want to do involves a degree. That sucks, but it’s true.