The toughest thing about getting over a girl that lied to you and cheated on you, asides from the fact that she strayed, all issues with self-esteem aside and acknowledging the act of betrayal itself being the dagger that dishes out perhaps the most excruciating pain, but what about remorselessness?
The thing that’s hurt me the most is Bekki’s sheer lack of remorse. She said, back in September 2011, “I owe you a million apologies”, but at the time I never got one, even though if I did it wouldn’t be a sincere one. She also told me she was “crazy”, “psychotic” and a “bad person” (her words). In April 2012, she told me, “I’m sorry; I’m just trying to grow up and mature”, basically giving me an insincere (antithesis of heartfelt) apology with a weak validation by claiming that she’s trying to grow up. She had a baby in January 2013.
I try to put myself in other people’s shoes so that I can see things through their perspective, because having a narrow, tunnel vision-esque view in life isn’t optimal, but whenever I think about doing what she did to me, to her or somebody else, I can’t imagine it. I wouldn’t do it. And if I did, I’d feel awful. I feel awful just thinking about it.
It’s one of the things holding me back from moving on in totality — a lack of understanding how a human being could fuck over someone they love, or loved, that loves — or loved — them more than anyone else ever has or ever will, and do so without one iota of remorse.
There’s just something fucked up, in and of itself, about watching someone you love and care about with every fiber in your being regress and stray from who they are to become a negative, alternate personality that’s foreign to who you fell in love with.
I would give anything in the world just to go back to Friday, July 24, 2009 and go from there to change things from turning into all the bullshit it is now. Maybe I couldn’t. Maybe I’d fail. But I’d love to have a second chance to at least try to stop everything that’s occurred since then.