Well, I looked her up. Googled her. Dumbshit mistake on my behalf. Why? I don’t know. Some people make unquestionably asinine decisions without a reason behind them. That’s it, though. I just looked her up once. I’ve said it before and I’ll said it again, I never learned how to deal with losing her. I just did and went through the motions. She always told me so much bullshit that opposed the notion I’d ever be without her in my life, and to this day, even though it’s been a while now, I’m still conflicted in my mind.
She’s a part of my past, and that’s that. She’s not a member of my present, but that’s what scares the hell out of me. Things don’t feel right without her. You get used to a routine and don’t expect things to change, and when they do sometimes you just never readjust and rehabilitate the way you want. I will, but it’s just that I don’t want to. I’d rather go back to Friday, July 24, 2009 and start from there to rectify things than start from scratch here. But I must do the latter as the former isn’t physically possible.
Wanting to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you is a terrible thing. You know what’s worse than that, though? Wanting to be with someone for who they were during a specific time period and not who they are now. That’s soul-killing, heartbreaking and detrimental altogether. When you close your eyes at night and think about who they were when your love for them was at the pinnacle of its peak, good luck falling asleep. Another good luck to you when you think about how and who they are now.
“Don’t worry about and let go of the things you cannot change”, they say. Easier said than done, because that only makes you feel helpless when it involves somebody you love who fucked you over. You just gotta let it go, which is the only advice I can offer myself. Cherish the best time period, the years 2008 and 2009, and move forward if at all possible. There’s no easy way out, but you gotta stand your ground and not back down. The past can eat you alive if you let it.