I’ll Never Get Over My Ex-Girlfriend 100%

It’s been 22 months and 17 days since my last conversation with Bekki.

It’s been 18 months and 2 days since I’ve even spoken to Bekki.

And I’m still not over her. I never will be 100%. Keyword(s): One hundred percent.

I’ve written about it one too many times on here, but that relationship should have been everlasting and eternal. It ended due to bullshit mistakes on both parts. My part? Fear, anxiety and disrespect (towards myself). Her part? Dishonesty, immaturity and infidelity.

I want to go back to the years 2008 and 2009 and stay there forever. I miss the way I was, and more importantly, I miss the way she was. I had a dream last night that’s kept me down in the dumps all day. The dream was about her. She was like the way she was in 2008 and 2009, giggling and laughing, telling me she loved me. I held her.

Then I woke up.

I want to be in a relationship. One might surmise that I shouldn’t be in one right now, but hey, Bekki should have never gotten into another one at her point, yet she’s engaged to some shmuck and has a 9 month old daughter with him. So who the fuck is to say I shouldn’t be in a relationship at this juncture? Problem is, the girls I’ve encountered are bland and underwhelming in contrast to the 2008-2009 version of Bekki. Unfair? Yep, but I can’t just lower my standards and neither should anybody else.

I might as well resolve to be alone for the next several years and just wait, I reckon. I’m still extremely young. I just miss having a girl to hold, tickle, hear her laugh and just ‘be’.

I miss the road trips Bekki and I would take. We could have a serious conversation one minute and laugh about something silly two minutes later. In 2008 and 2009 (before she changed), life was perfect. She was perfect. Our relationship was perfect.

I miss that. Do I miss Bekki? Or do I miss having a girlfriend? Or is what I miss a combination of both factors?

Either way, despite the fact that I am a person that enjoys alone time, I feel so goddamn lonely, unwanted, unmotivated and my confidence is at an all-time low.

Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and pick myself up by the bootstraps, but holy shit, I just want to be happy, satisfied and fulfilled. I miss having a girl wrap her arms around me and tell me that she needs me. Heh… who the fuck even needs, let alone wants me now? I just have three close friends I see merely once a month.

Right now, at my age, I don’t want marriage. I don’t want any kids (right now). I just want stability. With a girl. No lying, no bullshit cheating. Just something with two people that have chemistry, maturity and a desire to spend time together with a bond that features both persons supporting each other through the trials and tribulations in life.


6 thoughts on “I’ll Never Get Over My Ex-Girlfriend 100%

  1. Lower your standards…this girl cheated on you? I would think the girls you dated since then would be a step up. Look, you’re doing too much comparing/contrasting. First off, she’s in a relationship with some schmuk like you said…is she happy? Well you don’t know that for sure. She could feel trapped in. Second, people move on at different speeds, just because she’s able to jump in another relationship, doesn’t mean you should be too. We heal at different times.
    Third, loneliness comes from within, meaning no relationships or perfect person is going to satisfy that loneliness, you have to work on that on your own. Fourth, everyone changes…people grow (and some don’t) this Bekki did and so will any girl you meet down the line. Its about whether you’re willing to work through these character changes.

    I’ve been burned too. But instead of rubbing salt on those wounds, try aloe. Focus on yourself and the things you want in life? Got a bucket list, start checking off things, take a trip or start a new hobby (blogging is fine but something else too) open your mind to all the other things in the world other than relationships…basically go find yourself.

    • I really appreciate you taking the time to comment.

      I could definitely do better than who she turned out to be, but the comparing and contrasting comes from who she was, before she (negatively) changed. I understand that that girl no longer exists except in my mind.

  2. What’s done is done. No point wasting precious mind-space on it. Focus on the present and look to the future.
    The best thing I’ve ever done was be intentionally single (though 5 years may have been a little much). No relationship is guaranteed to be forever, even if you think it might be. That’s why I think it’s important to have a good sense of who you are, independent of anyone else. Go explore the world, make new friends, try new things, “date” other women, but don’t commit and don’t be dependent on the companionship of a significant other. Find YOU! Then, you may be ready to share yourself with someone who will make you happier than Bekki ever made you.

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