I’ll Never Get Over My Ex-Girlfriend 100%

It’s been 22 months and 17 days since my last conversation with Bekki.

It’s been 18 months and 2 days since I’ve even spoken to Bekki.

And I’m still not over her. I never will be 100%. Keyword(s): One hundred percent.

I’ve written about it one too many times on here, but that relationship should have been everlasting and eternal. It ended due to bullshit mistakes on both parts. My part? Fear, anxiety and disrespect (towards myself). Her part? Dishonesty, immaturity and infidelity.

I want to go back to the years 2008 and 2009 and stay there forever. I miss the way I was, and more importantly, I miss the way she was. I had a dream last night that’s kept me down in the dumps all day. The dream was about her. She was like the way she was in 2008 and 2009, giggling and laughing, telling me she loved me. I held her.

Then I woke up.

I want to be in a relationship. One might surmise that I shouldn’t be in one right now, but hey, Bekki should have never gotten into another one at her point, yet she’s engaged to some shmuck and has a 9 month old daughter with him. So who the fuck is to say I shouldn’t be in a relationship at this juncture? Problem is, the girls I’ve encountered are bland and underwhelming in contrast to the 2008-2009 version of Bekki. Unfair? Yep, but I can’t just lower my standards and neither should anybody else.

I might as well resolve to be alone for the next several years and just wait, I reckon. I’m still extremely young. I just miss having a girl to hold, tickle, hear her laugh and just ‘be’.

I miss the road trips Bekki and I would take. We could have a serious conversation one minute and laugh about something silly two minutes later. In 2008 and 2009 (before she changed), life was perfect. She was perfect. Our relationship was perfect.

I miss that. Do I miss Bekki? Or do I miss having a girlfriend? Or is what I miss a combination of both factors?

Either way, despite the fact that I am a person that enjoys alone time, I feel so goddamn lonely, unwanted, unmotivated and my confidence is at an all-time low.

Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and pick myself up by the bootstraps, but holy shit, I just want to be happy, satisfied and fulfilled. I miss having a girl wrap her arms around me and tell me that she needs me. Heh… who the fuck even needs, let alone wants me now? I just have three close friends I see merely once a month.

Right now, at my age, I don’t want marriage. I don’t want any kids (right now). I just want stability. With a girl. No lying, no bullshit cheating. Just something with two people that have chemistry, maturity and a desire to spend time together with a bond that features both persons supporting each other through the trials and tribulations in life.

Advertisements

The Thing That Hurts The Most About Being Cheated On

The toughest thing about getting over a girl that lied to you and cheated on you, asides from the fact that she strayed, all issues with self-esteem aside and acknowledging the act of betrayal itself being the dagger that dishes out perhaps the most excruciating pain, but what about remorselessness?

The thing that’s hurt me the most is Bekki’s sheer lack of remorse. She said, back in September 2011, “I owe you a million apologies”, but at the time I never got one, even though if I did it wouldn’t be a sincere one. She also told me she was “crazy”, “psychotic” and a “bad person” (her words). In April 2012, she told me, “I’m sorry; I’m just trying to grow up and mature”, basically giving me an insincere (antithesis of heartfelt) apology with a weak validation by claiming that she’s trying to grow up. She had a baby in January 2013.

12

I try to put myself in other people’s shoes so that I can see things through their perspective, because having a narrow, tunnel vision-esque view in life isn’t optimal, but whenever I think about doing what she did to me, to her or somebody else, I can’t imagine it. I wouldn’t do it. And if I did, I’d feel awful. I feel awful just thinking about it.

It’s one of the things holding me back from moving on in totality — a lack of understanding how a human being could fuck over someone they love, or loved, that loves — or loved — them more than anyone else ever has or ever will, and do so without one iota of remorse.

There’s just something fucked up, in and of itself, about watching someone you love and care about with every fiber in your being regress and stray from who they are to become a negative, alternate personality that’s foreign to who you fell in love with.

I would give anything in the world just to go back to Friday, July 24, 2009 and go from there to change things from turning into all the bullshit it is now. Maybe I couldn’t. Maybe I’d fail. But I’d love to have a second chance to at least try to stop everything that’s occurred since then.

Puzzling Questions

2008 and 2009
Things were oh so fine
Just you and me
How damn sweet we thought the future would be

Then there was a whine
Followed by a lie
That wasn’t too kind
As if you thought I wouldn’t find

Out you went without a thing to say
You left me here alone
On two different cold December days
No closure or attempt to send me on my way

How did things get to be like that?
Unnecessary change can be so cruel
I did more for you than anyone else ever will
And you played me for a fool

So that’s how it had to end?
You had to screw me over
Just to be with him?
Remind me why I loved you again

I’ll never understand why you had to change
Why did you have to regress?
I guess there’s no answer for all these questions
But you definitely missed out on the very best

Black

“I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life,
I know you’ll be a sun in somebody else’s sky, but why
Why, why can’t it be, can’t it be mine”
– Pearl Jam “Black”

I no longer count the days that were washed away. But when I look back it’s a dark tunnel with nothing to portray. And when the sun goes down everyday, I spin off into a world where reality lifts. In a place where your hands trace my skin, my veins lighting up like a road map leading the way. The warmth of my body blankets yours as what is mine becomes yours. Then your lips meet my ear as you whisper softly what I used to hear…

The melody of your voice carries away as the golden rays seep through the cracks of my room. And now my bitter hands are greeted by cold sheets on the other side of the bed. It takes a second to wake from the love I can’t hold onto. And I realize it’s just another morning without you here. Soon enough, another night…

It’s the quiet that hurts. It’s the ache that I feel when our favorite song comes on the radio. It’s me looking for you when I go out, every corner, every turn. It’s me going grocery shopping alone. It’s me at night waiting for a call that never comes. It’s when I pass by a restaurant that we used to eat at. It’s when I order my coffee that I got you hooked on. It’s the smell of bacon, it’s the sunset we used to watch, and the pictures I keep under my bed. It’s all the little ways I remember you. They haunt me everyday.

It’s our love turning black, fading away.

Accepting That a Relationship is Over

In the end, it really does come down to time.

It doesn’t matter how much you do, what you do, once a good while goes by you have no other choice.

One must accept it is over. Seriously, what is waiting around doing? what is hoping doing? Its not bringing anyone any closer to anything.

Reality starts to sink in.

They aren’t coming back.

As a matter of fact, they aren’t even thinking of you.

After Being Lied to and Cheated On, This Video Makes Me Feel Better

To those reading, please check this video out. Maybe it will make you feel better, too. It’s just a reminder that one must realize they should indulge in themselves, love themselves and go out and do something (if they/you can) after a major event in their life takes place. It’s a video of adventure, fun and of truly exploring/discovering oneself. If you don’t like the video, that’s fine, but I think it’s a damn fine three minute flick carrying one, huge lesson.

Everybody Around Me is Getting Married — Why?

I probably would have been in this situation, too, if things with Bekki didn’t implode. I guess I should consider myself lucky, in ways, that they did implode, given what happened and how much worse it would have been if we’d gotten married, had kids and she’d fucked me over. That would be tremendous.

I have no desire to get married or have kids anytime soon. I’m a 22-year-old man that wants to go out and live his life, selfishly, before I give into that life. I could meet an incredible girl tomorrow that I’d have ridiculous chemistry with, and she might even be amazing in every way, and I’d want to wait 5-7 years, in a committed relationship, before deciding to get married. Those years would include patience, adversity, how we’d deal with adversity together and what it would be like living with each other to see how everything goes. That’s the way it should be. Every relationship should test those waters before moving further — y’know, make yourselves uncomfortable, see how the both of you react, and if you two are good at working through issues then there’s something at play. People think relationships are all about chemistry and trust, but you also need to have the mature ability to work through problems, which could be considered the number one key (at least in the top three) for a healthy relationship.

But hey, don’t mind me, I’m just a young buck trying to figure his life out, and it’s not like I’m exactly stable or anything. I’m still trying to get over a relationship that basically ended twice, in December 2010 and December 2011. So take what I say with a grain of salt, if you must.

On Saturday, June 15, 2013 I was hanging out with my lifelong best friend and de facto brother “T.O.” and Michael (my cousin Sarah’s husband that I look up to; he’s 43 and I respect the hell out of him). We’d spent that night watching the MMA pay-per-view UFC 161. That night, we were just chilling in the car, talking about life and women. T.O. has two daughters from two different girls. His current girlfriend, who’s baby momma #2, he’s set to get married to her next year and that will be a dire mistake on his part if he goes through with it since they rarely get along. But because he feels guilty about his relationship with his other girlfriend faltering, he feels like this will make up for things.

“You young bucks… in your 20s, with a life ahead of you… please, I beg of you, do this as safely as you can and with plenty of protection: get as much pussy as you can”.

That’s what Michael told the both of us. I’d never heard Michael say something like that before, so I was in “what the fuck?” mode. Now you, readers, might be thinking, “A 43-year-old dude said that?” Yep, a 43-year-old dude said that, and honestly, he’s right.

barneystinson

He’s basically saying to test the field, to go out and experience, meet women, meet a lot of women, and don’t limit yourself to one person as soon as you can. Go out, get into a relationship, enjoy it for what it is, but don’t drive yourself crazy.

Everybody should test the waters. Be loyal and honest in relationships, but don’t give yourself away to one girl if you two don’t click. I don’t believe in one true love — I believe there are several people in the world you can and will click with. Just my two cents.

It boggles my mind that everyone around me, at my age, seems to be rushing to get married. No hesitation. Michael’s son is 23, he has a son and is married as well. Michael told us about how he’s miserable with the way things are going, but can’t really get out of it.

It’s pretty interesting. Honestly, like I said, if my relationship with Bekki hadn’t been thrown away by her, she and I would have definitely been married by now, whether that’s a good or bad thing. Now? As of today, Friday, August 23, 2013, Bekki is apparently engaged to some random schmuck whom she had a baby daughter with back in January. Amazing. Speaking of August 23, this day four years ago in 2009, as I’ve written about before, was a Sunday, the night before the beginning of her sophomore year of high school and two nights before my first day of college. Feels like yesterday. So much has changed since then, for the worse. I deserve better, though, better than her. Any man and woman deserves better than a whiny, lying, cheating partner. I just think it’s wild that Bekki had the audacity to call herself someone who’s “not ready for a relationship, doesn’t know what she wants” and a “crazy person and bad person”, before hopping into a random relationship, getting pregnant, having a kid and getting engaged to the schmuck. Sad to see. She and I had the perfect chemistry before she decided to make a big deal about the fact that I’d been with two girls before her, decided to whine about it nonstop for months before cheating on me and hurting me worse than anybody has or will ever do so. I digress.

If I could wipe out my memory of Bekki and I of ever having a relationship with her, would I?

No. I wouldn’t. Because that first year with her, from July 2008 through September 2009 and some days of October 2009, was the greatest, most happiest time of my life (up to this point. Despite all of the bullshit she pulled on me, I’ll always love her. I can’t just change that like an on/off switch. I’ll always hope she’s safe and being well taken care of, I’ll always worry that she’s not and I’ll always miss her, the way she was during that first year of our relationship. And I’ll always hope that she still loves me inside. Maybe she hates me. Or maybe she’ll forget about me. Maybe she already has. Why do I even care? ‘Cause when you love somebody, you care, and if you don’t, then hey, you don’t love them and are able to feel neutral about someone.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. I’m a “look ahead” thinker. This is what I told T.O. He’s a year older than me, but he makes some jackass-esque decisions based on this, that or the other. So many people get married just because they are in the moment, enjoying the moment and expecting that moment to be the same forever. No looking ahead at the future. That’s the Achilles’ heel of these quick relationships turning into full-blown marriages.

My cousin Winston is also a year older than me. At the age of 23, he’s been in a relationship with a 46-year-old women that has an 11-year-old son and 16-year-old daughter for almost two years now. They just moved in together back in April and I haven’t saw him in three months. I miss hanging out with the dude, too. Here’s another thing that happens to people: they ditch their friends and family in relationships. Hell, once upon a time I did it, shortsightedly, and paid the price later. I learned from that lesson, though, plus I was only 18 back then. But that 23-year age difference is fucking crazy. I guess you can’t help who you love, but man, that’s a tough one, considering that by the time he’s 30 she’ll be 53. Scary thought.

I guess I’m a new age anomaly, not wanting to marry or have kids yet. Right now, I want to spend money on myself and not diapers. Am I crazy or selfish? I don’t think so.