When I first started this blog a few days ago, I was in the mood to write post after post, and so i did, with a series of posts fitting the second half of the relationship with my ex-girlfriend Bekki into a nutshell. Check them out (if you are bored and/or have time on your hands) under my categories which you’ll find on the right sidebar under La Mia Vita, “My Past”.
August 2009. Four years ago. Can you believe it? I can’t. That was the last amazing month of my life. The last time I can honestly say that I was truly a happy human being. What’s unfolded the last few years has been from the doings of Bekki and myself. I blame myself for not utilizing the tools I’ve had to properly get over her. The result of hanging onto something, a relationship, that ended as a result of being screwed over and hurt by somebody you love is detrimental to your overall health. I’m 22 and I have some freakishly visible gray hair, which I like to call “wisdom whiskers” as a joke. I digress.
I can’t believe how damn calm I was on this day four years ago. It was a Friday. My uncle Ricky had died on this morning four years ago. I wasn’t close to him at all. He was a big man; he’d become, basically, paralyzed from a huge fall and had been suffering for over a year. That weekend was also on the precipice of yours truly starting his first year of college and Bekki getting ready to begin her sophomore year on Monday, which was August 24th. That Monday I had to go over to the local college I was gonna attend three different times to fill out forms for financial aid. It was a hassle. Again, looking back, I don’t understand how or why I was so confident back then. Maybe it’s because my relationship with Bekki was a beautiful, incredible thing (at that juncture, at least) and there was nothing to be worried about. If I were in that position now, which I will be again in one year (and I’ll document it), I’d be the biggest nervous wreck in the world and doubt I’d have the patience to head over to that place three different times in one day.
Excuse my lack of phrasing, but I’ve become such a pussy since then.
It’s a community college, the one I’m talking about. The plan was to go for two years, get out in 2011, transfer to a university and kick ass while there. My classes, as I talked about before in one of my opening posts for this blog, were English, biology, biology lab, math, sociology and psychology.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 — that was my first day of classes. I was so damn calm, again. I powered through the day like an absolute boss. I got home at around 2 in the afternoon, relaxed and went to night class, which — on that day — was sociology. We were only there for about a half hour, just introducing ourselves and everything. I remember, specifically, a girl in there. Her name was Kayla. She was skinny, or should I just say ‘fit’, and we spoke here and there. Obviously, at the time, I was in a committed relationship with Bekki, but looking back in hindsight, there was some chemistry there between Kayla and I. A lot of eye contact, smiling from Kayla, her batting her eyes at me and plenty of hair-tugging, giggling and outward flirty feminine behavior. It was amazing.
I say it’s amazing, and other amazing things happened, when I look back in time and think: I received a lot of positive eye contact from girls during that time, August and September 2009, from classes. I ignored them all, as I should have, but looking back now, and thinking about how everything went down in late 2009, how Bekki started cheating on me in early February 2010 and all the other bullshit that happened, I don’t know if I want to smile or slap myself.
If I hadn’t been in a relationship with Bekki during the months of August and September 2009, I’m 110% sure I would have tried my hands with those girls I mentioned, Kayla and/or the others.
Folks, especially men in particular, I want to send a message out to you all: the examples above are reasons why confidence is the sexiest trait in a human freakin’ being. That feeling of irrational, untouchable, intangible confidence from within can get you anywhere in life as long as there is action from yourself involved, with you doing something about that confidence. I’m telling you all, all of my readers, that I was one charismatic, confident dude. I didn’t even do anything, really. My confidence shined through my body language, posture and just the way I was. It’s ridiculous, almost like magic, except it’s not magic, it’s just sheer sex appeal and absolute charisma through the means of being one confident son of a gun.
That’s what I’m aiming to get back: that confidence. But I don’t know what made me confident back then. I just naturally was. Maybe it was because I was proud of myself for graduating high school a few months prior on June 12, 2009. Maybe it was because I was with this beautiful, loyal, honest and trustworthy (at the time) girl by the name of Bekki (before she changed for the worst). Who knows? It’s something I must regain because that aura, that feeling, that indescribable feeling of self-belief is a necessity in my life. I just need to figure out how to rediscover it. It starts with a long stairwell. One step at a time. Like a house… gotta lay the bricks to build.
So, here I was, feeling like a badass. Started off great.
Then everything dropped.
In September 2009, sometime, that’s when Bekki began to make a big deal about my past, exposing her jealousy of the fact that I’d been with two different girls before she and I met. Frustration and stress began to set in. That’s when I started to become depressed as well as when I became needy and clingy. I was needy and clingy because I wanted my old girlfriend back, the way Bekki was before then, not the whiny, moody girlfriend that threw fits about non-sequiturs/trivial minitua. I didn’t know how to handle it. Instead of being a man about things and telling her to get over it or leave me over something stupid, I apologized for my past, begged her to calm down, and guess what? By doing that, I disrespected myself, and in doing so she disrespected me, and she didn’t stop.
I must not be too hard on myself, though. I was barely 18-years-old. Despite having two girlfriends before her, Bekki was my first love. I was scared of losing her.
I couldn’t concentrate on my classes after that. The only one I enjoyed by October 2009 was English. It was at 8 in the morning. That felt like the only time of the day I could relax. It was quiet, serene, the weather was kinda chilly, and my professor was a pretty awesome guy. And y’know what else? By October 8, 2009 English was the only class I was taking. Yep. And I didn’t quit drop my other classes, I just quit going, and probably — I never looked — took a huge grade hit. Death.
On Thursday, October 1, 2009 I had already stopped going to math. My sheer lack of concentration was bothering me. See, I’m great with numbers, until you throw in letters. Algebra, to me, is useless. Always has been. I never did well in algebra in high school, either. I still don’t understand why I need it as a college credit, but whatever. It wasn’t even a full-blown math class. I believe it was a mock algebra class without a grade that counted. The professor was quick to speak, though. I couldn’t keep up. Listen, I don’t have a learning disorder, but she rushed through things. That, combined with being stressed the hell out over Bekki, was not a good mental dose to get through a day. My biggest mistake wasn’t going to tutoring or even seeking it. I just stopped going.
Anyhow, anyhow… that Thursday, October 1, 2009… It was past 5 in the evening. I knew I could make it to night class by 6, though, until I had to follow a tractor in the road. A damn dude on a tractor. By the time i was about five miles from the school, that’s when I decided to say “screw night class”. I didn’t go, and I never went again. I went to the Sonic Drive-In, ate and drove back home.
As for biology, I went one last time on Tuesday, October 6, 2009 and didn’t go back.
I attended English for the rest of the semester. That was it. I’d leave the campus every day after English and drive home. I’ll never forget, one day, one of the guys I had English with that I also went to high school with, we were talking in the hallway right after English and getting ready to part in different directions. He said, “Man, don’t you have other classes?” And I just replied, “I don’t feel too well today, man, I’m heading home”. Complete bullshit lie. He wished me well and we parted. I felt bad, for some reason. I don’t know why, but his question still sticks with me today as something I’ll never forget. It made me feel awful. He simply asked in a casual tone, but I don’t know, it made me feel like shit.
Just so you know, readers, I accept full responsibility of my actions from back then. I was a dumbass to allow relationship issues screw my life up. I was in love (and I still haven’t gotten over her, if you’ve noticed) and scared to death of losing the one person I had in my life, the one person I’d always counted on to be there for me for love, care and support. My cousin Winston lived in a different state and my lifelong best friend, well, we didn’t have any contact with each other at the time. It wasn’t because we were having some kind of riff but because that’s the way things went between us. We could go months, or even in a year, without talking and then just talk again, one day, and pick up things like usual. I’d basically isolated myself and Bekki was all I had. Young bucks, please, don’t ever do this, don’t ever make your girl your world. This goes for women, as well. Have hobbies, interests, family, friends and something to keep your mind occupied. Have your own life. Don’t make the same mistake as me.
I’ll touch more on this topic int he next post. I’m approaching 2,000 words here, and this is such a broad subject for me. Very personal and memory-invoking.