I’ll Never Get Over My Ex-Girlfriend 100%

It’s been 22 months and 17 days since my last conversation with Bekki.

It’s been 18 months and 2 days since I’ve even spoken to Bekki.

And I’m still not over her. I never will be 100%. Keyword(s): One hundred percent.

I’ve written about it one too many times on here, but that relationship should have been everlasting and eternal. It ended due to bullshit mistakes on both parts. My part? Fear, anxiety and disrespect (towards myself). Her part? Dishonesty, immaturity and infidelity.

I want to go back to the years 2008 and 2009 and stay there forever. I miss the way I was, and more importantly, I miss the way she was. I had a dream last night that’s kept me down in the dumps all day. The dream was about her. She was like the way she was in 2008 and 2009, giggling and laughing, telling me she loved me. I held her.

Then I woke up.

I want to be in a relationship. One might surmise that I shouldn’t be in one right now, but hey, Bekki should have never gotten into another one at her point, yet she’s engaged to some shmuck and has a 9 month old daughter with him. So who the fuck is to say I shouldn’t be in a relationship at this juncture? Problem is, the girls I’ve encountered are bland and underwhelming in contrast to the 2008-2009 version of Bekki. Unfair? Yep, but I can’t just lower my standards and neither should anybody else.

I might as well resolve to be alone for the next several years and just wait, I reckon. I’m still extremely young. I just miss having a girl to hold, tickle, hear her laugh and just ‘be’.

I miss the road trips Bekki and I would take. We could have a serious conversation one minute and laugh about something silly two minutes later. In 2008 and 2009 (before she changed), life was perfect. She was perfect. Our relationship was perfect.

I miss that. Do I miss Bekki? Or do I miss having a girlfriend? Or is what I miss a combination of both factors?

Either way, despite the fact that I am a person that enjoys alone time, I feel so goddamn lonely, unwanted, unmotivated and my confidence is at an all-time low.

Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and pick myself up by the bootstraps, but holy shit, I just want to be happy, satisfied and fulfilled. I miss having a girl wrap her arms around me and tell me that she needs me. Heh… who the fuck even needs, let alone wants me now? I just have three close friends I see merely once a month.

Right now, at my age, I don’t want marriage. I don’t want any kids (right now). I just want stability. With a girl. No lying, no bullshit cheating. Just something with two people that have chemistry, maturity and a desire to spend time together with a bond that features both persons supporting each other through the trials and tribulations in life.

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Don’t Commit Suicide Over a Lost Relationship

A man that commits suicide over losing his girlfriend, wife or partner, is a man that acts from the breaks of impulse. The phrase, “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” applies here. But there are so many human beings who do this, have tried to do this or have thought about this.

I was five months into being 18-years-old on Sunday, February 21, 2010. I had just found out the day before that my girlfriend of seventeen months, Bekki, had been cheating on me. She, of course, came up with the lie/excuse that her parents were forcing her to be with this guy. I didn’t believe her. You can read my other posts under the category “My Past” to find out what happened.

But yes, on that Sunday in February, I woke up that morning with the intention of committing suicide. I felt like if there was one thing I could do to send a message to Bekki to curtail her lying, whoretastic ways, it would be through the means of suicide. I would no longer be a part of earth, but maybe she’d get the message that lying to somebody, cheating on them and leading them on isn’t the right way to go about things in life.

I didn’t, though. She called me in the middle of the day, cried, told me all kinds of excuses, that she was all mine and mine only, and all kinds of jazz. Deep down, I still didn’t believe her. For the entire year of 2010 I didn’t believe her. But I wanted to. I wanted to believe her so badly, so badly to the point that I took her back. The mentality of suicide never left my mind for that entire year.

When Bekki up and left after December 2010 without explanation, reasoning or closure (read here), I was in a state of denial for a month into January 2011. I watched the TV series “Rescue Me”, ate a keto diet and was busy.

In February 2011, around Valentine’s Day, it hit me. Bekki was gone. I hadn’t heard from her in nearly two months. I collapsed and cried for days. I was in stabbing pain. I wanted to commit suicide. It’s all I thought about. For months and months of the year 2011, I thought about suicide. Every night, every morning, all day, I would keep these thoughts to myself, but I just wanted to kill myself to rid the pain of being hurt by this goddamn lying, cheating bitch that I loved (love). Every day I’d ask myself “How can you do something like this to somebody that loves you more than anyone else ever has or ever will?”

8Then she came back in late 2011 and fucked me over again. La-dee-dah.

2012, much of the same. It hurt. Every day.

But now, it’s August 19, 2013, and you know what? Committing suicide over a girl would have been stupid and I’d be wasting my life over somebody that didn’t nor doesn’t even deserve me. As much as I love her and want to be with her (I want to be with the 2008-2009 version of Bekki, not the lying, cheating [insert insult here] that she turned into in 2010), I’ll never be able to trust her again and she’s not worth committing suicide over. There are 7 billion women in the world. Over 3.5 billion are women. Imagine how many are single. There are plenty of connections you can have in life, not just one. There’s no “love of my life”. That phrase implies singularity. There are several people out there that you can connect and have chemistry with.

Besides, she’s not perfect. She was, for a year. But then she was exposed. Her immaturity, her lying, her cheating, her bitchiness, her rudeness, her ability to hurt me and walk away.

For a long time, I blamed myself. Sometimes, I still do. But that’s on her. Her hurting me? That’s her problem. Not mine. I’m the greatest thing that has ever or will ever happened to her.

She? She’s not the greatest thing to ever happen to me. She was, for a year. Until she whined about my past, lied to me, cheated on me and screwed me over twice within a year. A girl who lies and cheats is a dime a dozen. A 6’3″, tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, witty and humorous man such as myself? One in a billion, baby. I’m a damn good writer, I have a deep voice, I have high testosterone levels, I know intricate things about nutritional science, I’m the most loyal human being in the world, I’m very generous and selfless, I love and love and love and I don’t stop, I don’t take advantage of people. Those are just some qualities about myself that I SHOULD focus on and I SHOULD brag about. Confidence and self-esteem boosts are important.

Search for the good in yourself. It’s there, I promise. Recognize it. Focus on the flaws of the girl you lost. Look at what happened in the relationship. Understand that you can and will find somebody else, somebody that won’t hurt you or bring you down.

I know I will.

If I can, anyone can. Man up. Woman up. Just do it. I can. You can.

Getting Over the Girl You Loved and Thought You’d Marry

This isn’t going to be a how-to guide on how to get over an ex-girlfriend. If you’ve been reading my blog up to this point, you’d understand that I would be a hypocrite to write something like that.

I’ll never, ever get over Bekki. It’s nearly been three years since she screwed me over the first time, and almost two years since the second time. In time, I’ll be able to move on, I guess, or at least greet the future, but getting over her 100%? Never. I miss my girl and the way she was in the years 2008 and 2009. I’ll never understand why things had to go down the way they had to.

She wasn’t my first girlfriend, but she was most definitely my first true love. Despite what she inevitably put me through in late 2009 and the entire year of 2010 (and the three months of 2011 that I wrote about in another post), she was an amazing girlfriend during that first year. Loving, caring, kind, supportive, loyal, honest, sweet, thoughtful, the list goes on… but she changed. I’m game for change, as long as it’s positive change. Negative change doesn’t make sense to me because it’s inherently unnatural and illogical.

I’ll never understand why she’s with the current guy or me. But then again, he’s there and I’m not. And two, why would I want to be there, in a relationship with a girl that’s a pathological liar and a proven cheater? Even though I love her more than humanly possible, if we did ever get back together I could never love her again. Besides, she has that guy’s daughter now. Why would I want to be with a girl that had some shmuck’s daughter AND is a pathological liar and proven cheater? That would be a bad choice. He probably doesn’t even know that she’s ever lied/cheated in the past. Therefore he’s a shmuck. Besides, she’s likely only with him because he’s either a safe pick, knowing that there’s no way he could attract another woman, or she’s with him because his family might have some money.

I shouldn’t even care, anyway. It’s none of my business. She’s not in my life anymore (for whatever reason).

I just love her and I can’t help it. I put my heart and soul into that relationship. Years of my life. Loyalty. Honesty. Love. Care. Support. We had the perfect chemistry, and it went down the drain for no reason. That’s why it’s hard to move on. And because she hurt me twice within a year and did so without remorse.

I should be angry. And many times I’ve been. So yes, I am. But I love her. I want what’s best for her. As stupid as I am, and as much of a beta male as I sound. That dumbshit better be good to her. But he isn’t me. He’ll never be me. I’m the best in the world.

I just hope she never hates me or forgets about me. She probably feels one way or the other about me.