I’ll Never Get Over My Ex-Girlfriend 100%

It’s been 22 months and 17 days since my last conversation with Bekki.

It’s been 18 months and 2 days since I’ve even spoken to Bekki.

And I’m still not over her. I never will be 100%. Keyword(s): One hundred percent.

I’ve written about it one too many times on here, but that relationship should have been everlasting and eternal. It ended due to bullshit mistakes on both parts. My part? Fear, anxiety and disrespect (towards myself). Her part? Dishonesty, immaturity and infidelity.

I want to go back to the years 2008 and 2009 and stay there forever. I miss the way I was, and more importantly, I miss the way she was. I had a dream last night that’s kept me down in the dumps all day. The dream was about her. She was like the way she was in 2008 and 2009, giggling and laughing, telling me she loved me. I held her.

Then I woke up.

I want to be in a relationship. One might surmise that I shouldn’t be in one right now, but hey, Bekki should have never gotten into another one at her point, yet she’s engaged to some shmuck and has a 9 month old daughter with him. So who the fuck is to say I shouldn’t be in a relationship at this juncture? Problem is, the girls I’ve encountered are bland and underwhelming in contrast to the 2008-2009 version of Bekki. Unfair? Yep, but I can’t just lower my standards and neither should anybody else.

I might as well resolve to be alone for the next several years and just wait, I reckon. I’m still extremely young. I just miss having a girl to hold, tickle, hear her laugh and just ‘be’.

I miss the road trips Bekki and I would take. We could have a serious conversation one minute and laugh about something silly two minutes later. In 2008 and 2009 (before she changed), life was perfect. She was perfect. Our relationship was perfect.

I miss that. Do I miss Bekki? Or do I miss having a girlfriend? Or is what I miss a combination of both factors?

Either way, despite the fact that I am a person that enjoys alone time, I feel so goddamn lonely, unwanted, unmotivated and my confidence is at an all-time low.

Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and pick myself up by the bootstraps, but holy shit, I just want to be happy, satisfied and fulfilled. I miss having a girl wrap her arms around me and tell me that she needs me. Heh… who the fuck even needs, let alone wants me now? I just have three close friends I see merely once a month.

Right now, at my age, I don’t want marriage. I don’t want any kids (right now). I just want stability. With a girl. No lying, no bullshit cheating. Just something with two people that have chemistry, maturity and a desire to spend time together with a bond that features both persons supporting each other through the trials and tribulations in life.

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Sexual Objectification

Y’know, if women didn’t want their butts objectified they wouldn’t wear such shorts. Men seem to do fine in knee-length shorts, so there is clearly a “check out my ass” thing going on here. Being offended is NOT a ‘right’.

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People walk around thinking they have a ‘right’ to be offended at anything and everything they want. They don’t. No one has a ‘right’ to be offended. It’s a ‘choice’ to be offended and to state so in a public forum. Being offended is a subjective thing, it’s different for everyone. With this particular photo, I’m more offended at the cobalt blue nail polish than anything else. In the famous words of Stephen Fry, “You are offended. So fucking what?”

As for women being offended at other women being objectified, well… hypocrisy abounds doesn’t it? Yoga shorts/pants, sports bras, bikinis, lingerie high fashion, etc., etc., etc. It’s ALL about how a woman looks both to men but more importantly to other women. Most women’s ‘offense’ springs from jealousy. Just my 2 cents and unadulterated opinion.

Here’s a woman’s opinion on the woman in the picture:

I’m pretty sure when she bought those shorts & put them on she was perfectly aware of what her butt looked like in them. Please ladies, stop acting so sweet & proper we all know the 1st thing we look at when we try any bottoms on is our ass. Hers happens to be pretty damn perfect. Good for her. Now, get off yours & go do some heavy squats! The human body is nothing to be ashamed of embrace it.

The picture above was posted on a Crossfit page on Facebook. I couldn’t give less of a shit about Crossfit. I think it can do some fucked up damage to your joints and that traditional weightlifting and bodyweight exercises are superior muscle sculpting methods, but that’s another topic for another time. A friend of mine shared the picture on his page and I just happened to take a gander at the comments since the nice, round ass of the woman who obviously squats caught my attention.

Hey Ladies, You Won’t “Get Huge” If You Lift Weights

It’s my sworn duty as a man that appreciates the fine art of a fine, feminine derriere to eliminate the scourge of flatassery in every form. Part of the game plan involves lifting something that’s supposed to be fucking heavy. Most guys are total sissies and would rather spend their days in a Mountain Dew/Xbox coma instead of lifting some heavy shit. However, women offer the strongest resistance to weight training, and they all use the same ridiculous excuse:

“I don’t want to get huge!”
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Ladies, I have news for you. One round of squats will not magically transform you into the She-Hulk. In fact, you aren’t going to “get huge” at all, unless you embark on years of very specific training and nutritional regimes and (most likely) testosterone supplements and steroids.

Although most girls worry that lifting weights will reduce their femininity, it’s usually the reverse. Thin is a hell of a lot better than fat, but I (and most guys I know) love a girl with muscle tone. Observe:
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Liars Lie and Cheaters Cheat — That’s Life For You

Have you ever looked at somebody who you thought used to be perfected that has since changed in a negative way as a human being into something that was unnecessary and unmeritable? When I look back at how Bekki changed for the worst, what she did to me and how she hurt me and allowed our relationship to sink quicker than the Titanic (shameless cliche), it hurts me beyond belief. She was, at once upon a time, the perfect girlfriend before the immature whining about my past and the inevitable screw-over.

I failed to mention in one of my posts about the autumn of 2009 about the fact that in October 2009 Bekki told her friends, behind my back, that she and I broke up. That couldn’t have been further from the truth, but that’s what she told them, as I found out in the weeks following as they asked me if Bekki and I were still together, that they were told by her, herself, that we’d broken up. Bekki told me that she was just trying to protect our relationship from her parents, but that was an unequivocal lie! Her friends had known about our relationship for over a year and she didn’t mind bragging about it, but all of a sudden she pulled this stunt?

Through my love for her, I was blind at the obvious red flags that were in front of me. All the secret enjoyment she obviously got from having her ass grabbed by the guys at her school and the attention she was getting in general, I looked past it because I always tried my best to believe the best in her. Don’t worry, I became even more pathetic and you will see how.

Super Bowl weekend, Saturday, February 6, 2010, Bekki spent the night at one of her friends’ houses with their group of gal pals. I’m mentioning this because, that night, when she called to tell me goodnight and that she loved me, she called me, and when I answered, she quickly said, “I love you!”, whispering it, and hung up. She obviously didn’t want her friends to know she was calling me. This hurt me beyond belief.

I’m about to tell you something that hurt me even more and rocked me to my core.

On Saturday, February 20, 2010, after not talking to her for a few days in a row, which had me in disbelief, since back in 2008 and 2009 if we went a day without talking she’d cry her eyes out and tell me how much she missed me. By February 2010 she couldn’t have given less of a damn about consistently talking to me. She simply didn’t give a flying fuck, as made evident by her actions.

But that Saturday. That lone day in February 2010… I remember logging into Facebook and seeing that her friends were adding “Bekki [her name]”. Upon clicking, I saw it. “In a relationship with [guy]”. I called her immediately and left a scathing voicemail on her phone. She called back minutes later to explain. In her explanation, she said that her parents were trying to force her to be with ‘this guy’, that she wasn’t cheating, that she was only trying to appease her mother and make her happy, that she didn’t give a shit about ‘this guy’ and that her new Facebook was just a show, a put on, a front.

I spent the entire weekend stressing and freaking out over it, trying to figure out whether I should break up with her or not, and my conclusion? I didn’t. I stuck with her. To this day I regret not breaking up with her. If I could have two of my biggest regrets in my life revealed, they would be: not standing my ground when she began going off about my past in 2009 and not breaking up with her on Saturday, February 20, 2010. I disrespected myself both times and completely deflated my confidence and self-esteem.

I caught Bekki cheating on me right in front of my eyes and allowed her to come up with an excuse to boldface lie to me about it, saying that she wasn’t.

I was a fucking idiot.

I believed the best in her. I always wanted to believe the best in her. As a human being, that she was truly a good person, that she loved me and was loyal to me and wouldn’t hurt me like that. I wanted to believe so badly, even though it was obvious she was cheating. I forced myself to believe her even though, deep down in my gut, I knew I couldn’t trust her and that she wasn’t telling the truth.

We remained together throughout 2010 and talked less and less. I was constantly hurt, depressed and lacked the extremely high levels of confidence and self-esteem that I had.

And oh, yeah, I was lying to my friends and family telling them that I was still attending college classes even though I wasn’t. I never signed back up for them. I just gave them the facade that I was taking online classes. That made me even more pathetic.

Here I was, a year removed from the best year of my life, and I was nothing. The girlfriend that was loyal to me for 17 months was nothing more than a whiny, lying cheater. I wanted to believe in her so badly. I wanted her to go back into being the angel that she was before the bullshit began to occur. Why did she have to change in a negative way? Something I’ll never understand to this day.

As the year 2010 ensued, she never fessed up to cheating. She acted like she was all mine, but I knew better, deep down, even though I wanted to believe her so unbelievably badly.

By September 2010, we were only talking once or twice week, sometimes — rarely — three times a week. We went from talking each and every single night and day back in 2008 and 2009, from the morning, afternoon, evening and night to only talking for about 45 minutes once or twice a week in the evening.

Like I said, I should have ended things on February 20, 2010 but I was blinded by love. I was an 18-year-old young buck that had fucked up his time in college and in a relationship with a girl that didn’t give a shit that she was lying to and cheating on me.

I could write a book or three about every last detail of our relationship, but there’s no use. I blame myself for her cheating. People have told me before that there’s nothing I could have done to have changed what she did to me, but honestly, I believe I could have. More on this in the next post, which will contain what happened to cap off the ‘incredible‘ year that was 2010.