I’ll Never Get Over My Ex-Girlfriend 100%

It’s been 22 months and 17 days since my last conversation with Bekki.

It’s been 18 months and 2 days since I’ve even spoken to Bekki.

And I’m still not over her. I never will be 100%. Keyword(s): One hundred percent.

I’ve written about it one too many times on here, but that relationship should have been everlasting and eternal. It ended due to bullshit mistakes on both parts. My part? Fear, anxiety and disrespect (towards myself). Her part? Dishonesty, immaturity and infidelity.

I want to go back to the years 2008 and 2009 and stay there forever. I miss the way I was, and more importantly, I miss the way she was. I had a dream last night that’s kept me down in the dumps all day. The dream was about her. She was like the way she was in 2008 and 2009, giggling and laughing, telling me she loved me. I held her.

Then I woke up.

I want to be in a relationship. One might surmise that I shouldn’t be in one right now, but hey, Bekki should have never gotten into another one at her point, yet she’s engaged to some shmuck and has a 9 month old daughter with him. So who the fuck is to say I shouldn’t be in a relationship at this juncture? Problem is, the girls I’ve encountered are bland and underwhelming in contrast to the 2008-2009 version of Bekki. Unfair? Yep, but I can’t just lower my standards and neither should anybody else.

I might as well resolve to be alone for the next several years and just wait, I reckon. I’m still extremely young. I just miss having a girl to hold, tickle, hear her laugh and just ‘be’.

I miss the road trips Bekki and I would take. We could have a serious conversation one minute and laugh about something silly two minutes later. In 2008 and 2009 (before she changed), life was perfect. She was perfect. Our relationship was perfect.

I miss that. Do I miss Bekki? Or do I miss having a girlfriend? Or is what I miss a combination of both factors?

Either way, despite the fact that I am a person that enjoys alone time, I feel so goddamn lonely, unwanted, unmotivated and my confidence is at an all-time low.

Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and pick myself up by the bootstraps, but holy shit, I just want to be happy, satisfied and fulfilled. I miss having a girl wrap her arms around me and tell me that she needs me. Heh… who the fuck even needs, let alone wants me now? I just have three close friends I see merely once a month.

Right now, at my age, I don’t want marriage. I don’t want any kids (right now). I just want stability. With a girl. No lying, no bullshit cheating. Just something with two people that have chemistry, maturity and a desire to spend time together with a bond that features both persons supporting each other through the trials and tribulations in life.

The Anger and Sadness I Still Feel Over My Ex-Girlfriend

I realize that Bekki (ex-girlfriend, if you’ve been reading my blog) isn’t good for me. She’s actually not good for anyone, unless she matures, stops lying and doesn’t cheat. Apparently that’s working out for her because she’s been with a random schmuck for nearly two years now and just had a baby in the beginning of this year. Why should a immature liar/cheater procreate? I digress.

This is one of the hurdles I’m trying to get over: getting over the combination of anger and sadness that I feel. One of the emotions dominates the other one, usually. It varies. I have every right to feel both ways, but I want to stop. The pain has been bothering me for a few years now. I’m no stranger to adversity or loss, but this has been one of the biggest challenges of my life. Understandably so, if you’ve ever put your heart and soul into a relationship that was ruined and thrown away for no reason by your significant other.

How can you lie to, lead on and check on somebody that unquestionably loves you? How can you kick them out of your life and feel no remorse at all?

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This unremitting, perpetual cycle of sadness and depression over her is becoming too much. Hell, it became too much last year and I didn’t do anything about it. I’ve met other girls, have had failed brief relationships and still have thought about Bekki each and every day. Mind numbing.

Is she worth all of these emotions and worth being a life hindrance?

No.

But for some reason, I love her. No matter how you slice the pie, I do. I often wonder if she’s alright, if that scrawny, fugly shmuck of a bumrat is taking care of her. One of the things I wonder most? If she ever, ever thinks about me. I was her first love, the guy that was there for her through thick and thin, the one person that took care of her during her darkest days, the one person that did it all for her. But I still believe she either 1.) hates me or 2.) will forget about me completely. Those thoughts hurt me all to hell.

She’s not worth all of this pain, but I still feel it. There’s no off-switch. I want to be with her. Not the whiny, lying, cheating, immature version of her, but the girl she was from July 2008 through September 2009. I miss that girl. She’s gone now. And she’s never coming back.

I know Bekki, in general, is never coming back. Even if she did, like I said, I could never trust her again no matter how badly I WANT to. And also, like I said, she has a daughter now, from that guy. She and I planned to have kids one day. Before all of the bullshit ensued.

It’s time to move on. Now or never. I just know that I’m still gonna think about her in the future as well. I can’t help it. You can’t just flip off an imaginary “on/off switch” when it comes to loving and caring about someone you spent some of your best (and worse) days with.