Just a Few Things I Do Every Day to Help Me Not Give a Fuck

Reposting this from Reddit:

This just popped into my mind. I just wanted to share a few tips with you guys and gals to boost your self-confidence in your day to day life. I obviously care about a lot of things and have things that drag me down. But that’s what this subreddit is for right? A collective group of people with the main goal of not giving a fuck and achieving success in life. So here a few tips from me, both physically and mentally, that have found their place in my life and have helped (and still helping me) reinforce my self-esteem.

  • Take a shower in the morning

I don’t know about you guys but for me, when I wake up in the morning I feel groggy as. Taking a shower helps me get refreshed and also helps me mentally plan out my day in my head.

  • Pump up your favorite music and sing and dance your goddamn heart out

I am a horrible dancer and an even worse singer haha. But I just love the fact that I can be so embarrassing when no one but me is around. I think that it demonstrates to myself that this is who I am and I don’t give a FUCK about what people think. It considerably boosts my morale if I’m feeling down and I can start my day knowing that I can be myself and not be ashamed of it.

  • Have a good walking posture

For myself, this is a working progress. I usually slouch because it’s become so natural for me to over the years. But as soon as I straighten my back out and stick out my chest I feel like a whole new person. I don’t know the exact physiology around it but it really is a world of difference between slouching and a boss walking posture. The former almost imitates having huge burdens on your shoulder, whilst the latter imitates not giving a FUCK.

  • Exercise

This probably has been said a million times before but exercise really does wonders for your self-esteem. There’s just so many benefits that come from it. You feel better from the endorphins and satisfaction from hitting the gym. You have a sense of improvement in your physical body and mental framework. Finally, you’ll look better so once more increasing that self-confidence.

  • Talking to people

I used to be really shy but I started one of those annoying charity salespersons on the street (Apologies x 1000) which asked people to donate to charity. Aside from that, I met some really nice people on the streets. I found that the more you talked to people, the more you make them laugh, the more you have an influential impact on them, the higher your self-confidence will be.

  • Try to express your opinion and yourself whenever possible

Whenever you find yourself hesitating to speak up because there is an alternate opinion or because it’s awkward, force yourself to do so. It helps you overcome these mental barriers that you have in your mind the more frequently you express your opinion. Although, do bear in mind that people will find it annoying if you do continually speak your mind in inappropriate circumstances.

  • Lastly, talk with authority in your tone

Try projecting your voice a little louder with a bit more force at the end of your tongue. Not only does it make people trust you more because you sound more secure and grounded in what your saying, but it also subconsciously tricks your brain into thinking that you are a boss and that you are important.

Hopefully these few tips will benefit someone in some way!

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Making Peace With My Past

The one thing standing in my way, people… making peace with my past. That’s the collective inner demon of all the pain I continually feel. I take 100% responsibility that this is my own doing, constantly choosing to think about the things that I do, allowing said things to hold me back, but I’m slowly changing this adverse negative thinking pattern, slowly but surely. Baby steps.

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I partly agree with the above picture, except time healing all wounds.

For the large majority of people, yeah, time heals all wounds.

But without absolute closure and/or a semblance of peace in the guise of a light at the end of a tunnel, time does nothing except exacerbate the pain you might already harbor within.

Moving forward is a must.

The bullshit ends now.

Karma is Bullshit

Positive energy and negative energy? I believe in that tenfold. How you carry yourself through your outward confidence, self-esteem and self-assured comfortability in and of yourself will make a huge difference in your life in comparison to the same way dragging through days, frowning and choosing to feel like shit over various things.

Karma? I see a lot of bad people do bad things to good people that don’t deserve it and get away with it, and then some, leading fulfilled lives of pleasure, joy and seemingly happiness.

You might say, “Well, that’s seemingly happiness… doesn’t mean they are happy on the inside”. — Doesn’t matter. I can’t even name one time I’ve ever seen ‘karma’ get after someone.

I’d rather have a stake in the ol’ positive energy/positive outcome and negative energy/negative outcome game, something you can control.

Just Don’t Stop

My sleep had been off almost for a week. One day that lasted too long, and I just couldn’t get back into the groove. Napping days turning into sleepless nights. Frustration set in. Its still off, but I’ve had enough.

Don’t be surprised when your rest kills the rest of your spirit. It bites into your day and what you can accomplish, even if you’re unemployed. There are 960 minutes in a 16 hour day, if you sleep for 8 hours. That’s 960 minutes to get your ass in gear. To work out, to look for work, to clean, to read, to do anything, but sit there and say “There’s nothing to do.” There is always something to do that improves your body and mind.

The biggest killer of motivation is inaction. When you slow, you falter. When you falter, you fall. I’ve worked a full 24 hours, slept for 4 and then gotten back up for another 12. I’ve come home sore and collapsed to get up and do it again. I’ve burned my body to the core before and I did it because there was something coming after. Always after.

When you’re stuck in a rut where you can’t go out, work, or whatever, remember that it’s just a bump. Its not a roadblock that ends the road you’re on. Any roadblock is a barrier YOU have put up for yourself. When you say “I can’t,” its no one else’s fault but your own. Climb, dig, tear that motherfucker down brick by brick if you have to. You can trip, get scraped up and cringe through pain, you can rest for minute, but don’t ever, ever stop going towards what you want.

What I Would Tell My 14-Year-Old Self (8 Years Later)

I remember hitting the age of 14 and starting to really think about the future. I would soon be driving, making the transition to high school, girls, jobs, sports, new people, new places, etc. The world was about to open up a little to me.

I remember thinking, “life will be better when I’m driving” or “life will be much cooler and more fun when I have a girlfriend or when I am 21 and I can drink,” etc. I always had this future destination in mind where life would suddenly be better and I would be this new, different, cooler person.

If I could talk to my 14-year-old self, I would tell him that there is no destination. There is no place that you get to in life where it just magically becomes wonderful. I would tell him to stop looking forward to events with such expectations and enjoy where you are at the present moment. In the past, when I looked so forward to those ‘events’ I totally missed what was right in front of me and I can’t get it back. Simple things.

In my experience (everyone’s is totally different), the only way to be happy in life is to live with minimal expectations and enjoy the little things in the present moment or at least try to. When we get caught in this cycle of looking to the future for some expectation, it often, way too often, brings total letdown. I found when I was able to enjoy the present moment more, I somewhat lost this feeling of “I need to be somewhere else doing something more exciting than this”. This thought is a constant, nagging one for all of us that should be overcome. It is key to peace of mind. It would be hard to explain this to my younger self, but it is so important and I see that now.

In my experience, life is about experiences. Not how much money you can make, how much shit you can own, etc. When you are aware of what is going on presently, you have better (for lack of a better word) experiences because you are more present to them. If your mind is always in the future, then you miss so much. I’ll be 22 in 24 days. I try — every day — not to strive to be ‘somewhere’ financially in the future. I see so many people out of high school and college striving to make six figures a year. Their mind is almost always on this. They get to their late 30s and early 40s, hit the six figure mark, look back and realize that nothing really has changed. It becomes a letdown. There is not destination or place to ‘get to’ for you to be happy. If you think of it like that, then there will always be somewhere else to go or something else to achieve. Don’t get me wrong, goals are great, but if you make six figures then you’ll strive to make seven. It is an endless cycle.

To sum it up and stop rambling, I would try to explain to my 14-year-old self that every hour, day, week is something to enjoy. This is no practice run. It will not come around again. Don’t seek to be out of high school or in college or out of college. Right now is all you have and this right now is not going to happen again. I have adopted this thought process and noticed that I started to enjoy small things on a daily basis. I enjoy speaking to my family members on the phone, I enjoy drinking coffee and watching the sun come up in the morning. I enjoy watching it rain. I enjoy eating dinner. I enjoy being outside. This may sound stupid, but it has changed my life. When you enjoy these things and stop taking them for granted because your mind is in the future, then you begin to enjoy life as it is overall.

Going Back to College Scares The Hell Out of Me

And I’m not even going back until August 2014, let alone going to sign up for classes until June/July of next year.

Yet I’m already feeling all kinds of anxiety when I think about it: butterflies in my stomach, my palms often get sweaty, my mind races, I can’t think, my heart rate increases, my breath becomes inconsistent…

Y’know, associations are a powerful thing, whether positive or negative. We all have different associations when it comes to different people, items, objects, etc.

This college, it’s nothing special. It’s a damn community college. I just want to go there, get out, go to a university, get my degree and move on. I should already be finished with everything, but my own mistakes have led me down this path. The year 2014 will be here in a little over four months. By June 2014, I will have been out of high school for five years, and I’ve accomplished nothing. By that five year mark, it will have been five years since the best time of my life, before everything went to hell and I didn’t recover because I ignored my own happiness and allowed my mind to go into a comatose state for far too long.

This college? I associate it with the autumn of 2009. Hell… what else could I associate it with? That was the time period from which I was there. I associate it with Bekki. Things were perfect at the beginning  of that school year for us, but by the end of the semester, when December 2009 rolled around? I felt a mixture of anxiety and depression. You can read about it under the “My Past” category on the righthand sidebar.

The biggest step will be going and signing up for classes. How do I explain to the admissions chick (lack of a better phrase; I call her a ‘chick’ because she’s fairly young, or was four years ago; don’t mind me) why I started four years ago, and ended up only taking one class by the time the semester ended. Am I even going to be able to get financial aid? I really dug myself my own grave, y’know? I’m so damn nervous about how this is all going to play out, if I’m even going to be able to go back. What do I do? My friends and family think I’m still going, anyway. I’m pretty much a damn con-man by nature in this situation.

Walking into the building, smelling its scent… memories are going to flood into my mind. Scent is an underrated facet of a human being’s senses. It can take you to so many places in your mind. This college, just like all buildings, has its own scent, and if it still smells the way it did in late 2009, I know I’m going to feel like throwing up upon entering the building. I’m scared shitless. I won’t admit this anywhere but here. I am fucking terrified. Terrified about just walking into the place, talking to the admissions lady and worried that I won’t even be able to attend classes, anyway, if I can’t even get accepted to/by the financial aid people.

I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.

I wish I could go back in time to Friday, July 24, 2009 and start from there. I’d go to college, just like I did, and I’d attend all of my classes, pass them, and if Bekki gave me shit about my past (like I’ve written, being with girls before we met — her immature jealousy issue she never let go of and allowed to ruin our relationship) I’d tell her to either get the fuck over it or get the fuck out of my life.

I can’t believe I allowed all of this shit to pretty much crew my life up, y’know? It’s all my fault.

I know I’m beating myself up, something I do far too much, but I can’t help but think of how good I at it and how I let everything slip through my fingers back then. I’d give anything to go back in time and fix everything.

I just gotta prepare and look towards the future. Like I’ve said before, this blog is my way to do that, to help me through. I repeat myself often, and this is just a diatribe, but I don’t know… I need to do something. I need to go back. I should have went back this year. I waited too late and screwed up. Man, if things could just be simple without complications… am I a failure? Up to this point, yes, but hopefully that won’t be for too long. I just hope I can go back. If I can’t, then oh well, definitely a failure in my own mind, because what I want to do involves a degree. That sucks, but it’s true.

When and How Did My Life Go Wrong? (Part 2)

This is a follow-up from this post: When and How Did My Life Go Wrong? (Part 1) (Click)

As I mentioned in Part 1, the autumn of 2009 was one hell of a ride, and not a good one. October 2009 was bittersweet for the aforementioned reasons: a mixture of hell and a pinch of happiness (although the hell overrode the happiness).

November 2009? A much worse month. “Red flags” are a funny thing. A lot of people say that red flags are conspicuously visible and easy to see before the end of a relationship, and it’s true (most of the time), but most people (like yours truly) can become blind to such things, looking through love-tainted glasses instead of viewing things with a broad perspective and seeing this, that or the other for what it really is.

By November 2009, I was extremely depressed. I should have been happy. Just a few months earlier, I was the happiest, most confident human being on earth, but I was allowing the relationship with Bekki to consume me, and it was obvious that things were going downhill. Not because of anything major, but because of her immaturity leading to a lot of whining about my past, and my inability to stand up and be a leader, to take charge and give her the ultimatum of leaving me or getting over everything. I acted like a bleating, wimpy beta male. I begged her for forgiveness, and that never worked. It was idiotic of me to apologize, anyway, because I never did one thing wrong, but what I did do was disrespect myself, and in the end (December 2010 and December 2011) I lost her. Or maybe she lost me. I guess that will depend on my future and if I become successful. That will answer that conundrum.

I was anxious all the time, anxiety through the roof. I couldn’t think. Because it was November ’09, the weather was getting colder and the days were getting darker at 4:30-5 in the evening. December 2009 was a better month than the November of that year, but nothing improved. January 2010 was a joke.

And speaking of January 2010, here’s the big, bad red flag: one day, and I believe it was during the first or second week of January 2010, but I’ll never forget Bekki saying, “I could live without you”. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’d remember reading that I wrote about the biggest mistake you can make in a relationship is making your partner your world/life. Her statement hit me hard. The fact that she would straight up say that was painful. About 30 seconds later she said, “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean that; I can’t live without you”. Any rational, stable human being would see that she just covered her ass there, but me? Blinded by love and insecurities, I couldn’t see that.

Then, of course, in February 2010, on Valentine’s Day, I didn’t hear from her until 8 that night. A far cry from the amazing Valentine’s Day from 2009.

Before, in 2008 and 2009, she’d be morose over not talking to me for a couple of days. By 2010? She didn’t give a shit. Just another example of a gargantuan red flag that I failed to see.

What can I say, folks? I was just 18-years-old and I loved/cared about this girl more than she deserved. I couldn’t (and can’t?) help it. I’m hard on myself a lot, but I do think I should cut some slack on myself in hindsight. But like I said, my biggest regret is not breaking up with her when I should have.

It was on Saturday, February 20, 2010 when I discovered that she was going behind my back and cheating on me. That’s also when I believed her when she told me she was just trying to appease her mom and that it was a fake relationship. A dumbass move on my part, believing a veritable liar and all.

Mistakes — you should learn from them. Accept them for what they are and move on into the past.

I just feel like, if I would have made the right decisions and choices, she and I would have been together today, and she would have never lied to or cheated on me. But it is what it is. Like I said, this blog is to help me move on. Writing this down on a screen has been both a blessing and truly haunting. Haunting because it’s forced nostalgia and memories to rush back into my head.

I KNOW I’m going to be fine as the future comes around. I’ll work on it. I’m just mind-blown by how fast time flies and the further and further away the years 2008 and 2009 are.

I hope I’ll eventually become an inspiration. I was a mess and I truly still am a mess. But I’m going to be better than ever. Eventually. And if I can do this, anybody can.