I’ll Never Get Over My Ex-Girlfriend 100%

It’s been 22 months and 17 days since my last conversation with Bekki.

It’s been 18 months and 2 days since I’ve even spoken to Bekki.

And I’m still not over her. I never will be 100%. Keyword(s): One hundred percent.

I’ve written about it one too many times on here, but that relationship should have been everlasting and eternal. It ended due to bullshit mistakes on both parts. My part? Fear, anxiety and disrespect (towards myself). Her part? Dishonesty, immaturity and infidelity.

I want to go back to the years 2008 and 2009 and stay there forever. I miss the way I was, and more importantly, I miss the way she was. I had a dream last night that’s kept me down in the dumps all day. The dream was about her. She was like the way she was in 2008 and 2009, giggling and laughing, telling me she loved me. I held her.

Then I woke up.

I want to be in a relationship. One might surmise that I shouldn’t be in one right now, but hey, Bekki should have never gotten into another one at her point, yet she’s engaged to some shmuck and has a 9 month old daughter with him. So who the fuck is to say I shouldn’t be in a relationship at this juncture? Problem is, the girls I’ve encountered are bland and underwhelming in contrast to the 2008-2009 version of Bekki. Unfair? Yep, but I can’t just lower my standards and neither should anybody else.

I might as well resolve to be alone for the next several years and just wait, I reckon. I’m still extremely young. I just miss having a girl to hold, tickle, hear her laugh and just ‘be’.

I miss the road trips Bekki and I would take. We could have a serious conversation one minute and laugh about something silly two minutes later. In 2008 and 2009 (before she changed), life was perfect. She was perfect. Our relationship was perfect.

I miss that. Do I miss Bekki? Or do I miss having a girlfriend? Or is what I miss a combination of both factors?

Either way, despite the fact that I am a person that enjoys alone time, I feel so goddamn lonely, unwanted, unmotivated and my confidence is at an all-time low.

Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and pick myself up by the bootstraps, but holy shit, I just want to be happy, satisfied and fulfilled. I miss having a girl wrap her arms around me and tell me that she needs me. Heh… who the fuck even needs, let alone wants me now? I just have three close friends I see merely once a month.

Right now, at my age, I don’t want marriage. I don’t want any kids (right now). I just want stability. With a girl. No lying, no bullshit cheating. Just something with two people that have chemistry, maturity and a desire to spend time together with a bond that features both persons supporting each other through the trials and tribulations in life.

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Just a Few Things I Do Every Day to Help Me Not Give a Fuck

Reposting this from Reddit:

This just popped into my mind. I just wanted to share a few tips with you guys and gals to boost your self-confidence in your day to day life. I obviously care about a lot of things and have things that drag me down. But that’s what this subreddit is for right? A collective group of people with the main goal of not giving a fuck and achieving success in life. So here a few tips from me, both physically and mentally, that have found their place in my life and have helped (and still helping me) reinforce my self-esteem.

  • Take a shower in the morning

I don’t know about you guys but for me, when I wake up in the morning I feel groggy as. Taking a shower helps me get refreshed and also helps me mentally plan out my day in my head.

  • Pump up your favorite music and sing and dance your goddamn heart out

I am a horrible dancer and an even worse singer haha. But I just love the fact that I can be so embarrassing when no one but me is around. I think that it demonstrates to myself that this is who I am and I don’t give a FUCK about what people think. It considerably boosts my morale if I’m feeling down and I can start my day knowing that I can be myself and not be ashamed of it.

  • Have a good walking posture

For myself, this is a working progress. I usually slouch because it’s become so natural for me to over the years. But as soon as I straighten my back out and stick out my chest I feel like a whole new person. I don’t know the exact physiology around it but it really is a world of difference between slouching and a boss walking posture. The former almost imitates having huge burdens on your shoulder, whilst the latter imitates not giving a FUCK.

  • Exercise

This probably has been said a million times before but exercise really does wonders for your self-esteem. There’s just so many benefits that come from it. You feel better from the endorphins and satisfaction from hitting the gym. You have a sense of improvement in your physical body and mental framework. Finally, you’ll look better so once more increasing that self-confidence.

  • Talking to people

I used to be really shy but I started one of those annoying charity salespersons on the street (Apologies x 1000) which asked people to donate to charity. Aside from that, I met some really nice people on the streets. I found that the more you talked to people, the more you make them laugh, the more you have an influential impact on them, the higher your self-confidence will be.

  • Try to express your opinion and yourself whenever possible

Whenever you find yourself hesitating to speak up because there is an alternate opinion or because it’s awkward, force yourself to do so. It helps you overcome these mental barriers that you have in your mind the more frequently you express your opinion. Although, do bear in mind that people will find it annoying if you do continually speak your mind in inappropriate circumstances.

  • Lastly, talk with authority in your tone

Try projecting your voice a little louder with a bit more force at the end of your tongue. Not only does it make people trust you more because you sound more secure and grounded in what your saying, but it also subconsciously tricks your brain into thinking that you are a boss and that you are important.

Hopefully these few tips will benefit someone in some way!

I’ve Lost Ten More Lbs. to Get to 215!

Just 12 days ago, I was 225 lbs. Now, I’m 215. Probably water weight, because I still haven’t noticed a surefire reduction in bodyfat, but who knows? I haven’t lost any strength and, if anything, I feel stronger. To attest to that, my mom came back from a trip last night and I carried in a fuckton of her heavy ass bags without struggle.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with me, I’m a 6’2″-6’3″ man. The fat I’m trying to drop is flab in estrogen-dominant areas like the belly, ‘love handles’ and chest. I’m trying to lean out and acquire a defined shape.

As I’ve written before, I’ve barely changed my diet. I’m just eating whole grain sandwiches now, with a couple of apples in there, counting calories and keeping my protein moderately high and my dietary fat consumption at a level that will aid in hormonal balance. I guess the biggest takeaway from all of this is that I’ve increased my fiber content, thus helping out digestion. Perhaps that can be chalked up to the 16 lb. loss since August.

Regardless, my current goal is to drop to 200. lbs and go from there.

On Marriage

Marriage is NOT a trap and if it turns out that way, you trapped yourself or allowed another to trap you. Choose more wisely.

Marriage is NOT a joke unless it is made a mockery of.

Marriage is not a “deal”. It is the union of two separate lives into one mutual effort.

Marriage is not indentured servitude, unless you marry a slave or a slave master. Again — choose more wisely.

Essentially, all of these horrid descriptions of marriage we hear are actually describing “marriage” – that poor, mutilated little word that folks who really didn’t intend on fulfilling the real deal call their little “arrangements”.

Often times it is one partner who gaffs the load and sometimes it is both but at the end of the day I don’t think that marriage is actually being — for the most part — conceived, entered into, conducted or dissolved as it should rightfully be anymore.

I pity the younger people coming up behind us as I think that they like the concept of “marriage” but most have no actual real world experience and no societal benefit that would prepare them to even form an accurate idea of what marriage would, could or should be.

It makes me very, very sad indeed to agree with most of the warnings heard here I say “Probably better not do it.” Not right now, anyway. Where there is hope there is life; where there is life there are possibilities.

A Shred Matrix Morning

No coffee, but plenty of caffeine (150mg per serving). I’ve been taking Shred Matrix over the last month and that’s how my mornings have started. Almost finished up the bottle. Peculiar and different from the run of the mill coffee and breakfast pictures? For sure.

Books you will see in the background: Waiter Rant, Room Full of Squares, Hammer of the Gods, Sinatra, Top of the World, Confederacy of Dunces.

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Brought to you by the WordPress Weekly Photo Challenge.

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Just a message to you.

Our relationship had substance and a story. It was remarkable, exceptional even. It could and should have been an everlasting union between you and I, but you destroyed it for temporary means. I’ll never understand why. There is no “why”. All potential reasons are baseless and illogical.

You told me, once upon a time, that I deserve better than you. Yeah, I do. But I can’t get over what could have and should have been. I inevitably, unavoidably encounter way too many nostalgia-inducing mementos – things — on a daily basis. Getting over you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, and that’s saying a lot.

The Way Things Used To Be

Remember you and me
And the way things used to be?
On the phone late at night
Not a single fight

Remember you and I
Before you cheated and lied?
You would be so excited to hear my voice
You said being with me was the very best choice

Remember me and you
When you were my sweet, little baby boo?
When our relationship was the greatest thing
I thought for sure I’d give you that special ring

Remember us
Before you crashed our relationship like a mechanically flawed bus?
You left, forever, not for a while
I’ll never understand how you could turn so vile

Remember we
And how we were just two crazy teens?
You screwed me over with nary a sound
Took my heart and you smashed it into the ground