I’ll Never Get Over My Ex-Girlfriend 100%

It’s been 22 months and 17 days since my last conversation with Bekki.

It’s been 18 months and 2 days since I’ve even spoken to Bekki.

And I’m still not over her. I never will be 100%. Keyword(s): One hundred percent.

I’ve written about it one too many times on here, but that relationship should have been everlasting and eternal. It ended due to bullshit mistakes on both parts. My part? Fear, anxiety and disrespect (towards myself). Her part? Dishonesty, immaturity and infidelity.

I want to go back to the years 2008 and 2009 and stay there forever. I miss the way I was, and more importantly, I miss the way she was. I had a dream last night that’s kept me down in the dumps all day. The dream was about her. She was like the way she was in 2008 and 2009, giggling and laughing, telling me she loved me. I held her.

Then I woke up.

I want to be in a relationship. One might surmise that I shouldn’t be in one right now, but hey, Bekki should have never gotten into another one at her point, yet she’s engaged to some shmuck and has a 9 month old daughter with him. So who the fuck is to say I shouldn’t be in a relationship at this juncture? Problem is, the girls I’ve encountered are bland and underwhelming in contrast to the 2008-2009 version of Bekki. Unfair? Yep, but I can’t just lower my standards and neither should anybody else.

I might as well resolve to be alone for the next several years and just wait, I reckon. I’m still extremely young. I just miss having a girl to hold, tickle, hear her laugh and just ‘be’.

I miss the road trips Bekki and I would take. We could have a serious conversation one minute and laugh about something silly two minutes later. In 2008 and 2009 (before she changed), life was perfect. She was perfect. Our relationship was perfect.

I miss that. Do I miss Bekki? Or do I miss having a girlfriend? Or is what I miss a combination of both factors?

Either way, despite the fact that I am a person that enjoys alone time, I feel so goddamn lonely, unwanted, unmotivated and my confidence is at an all-time low.

Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and pick myself up by the bootstraps, but holy shit, I just want to be happy, satisfied and fulfilled. I miss having a girl wrap her arms around me and tell me that she needs me. Heh… who the fuck even needs, let alone wants me now? I just have three close friends I see merely once a month.

Right now, at my age, I don’t want marriage. I don’t want any kids (right now). I just want stability. With a girl. No lying, no bullshit cheating. Just something with two people that have chemistry, maturity and a desire to spend time together with a bond that features both persons supporting each other through the trials and tribulations in life.

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On Marriage

Marriage is NOT a trap and if it turns out that way, you trapped yourself or allowed another to trap you. Choose more wisely.

Marriage is NOT a joke unless it is made a mockery of.

Marriage is not a “deal”. It is the union of two separate lives into one mutual effort.

Marriage is not indentured servitude, unless you marry a slave or a slave master. Again — choose more wisely.

Essentially, all of these horrid descriptions of marriage we hear are actually describing “marriage” – that poor, mutilated little word that folks who really didn’t intend on fulfilling the real deal call their little “arrangements”.

Often times it is one partner who gaffs the load and sometimes it is both but at the end of the day I don’t think that marriage is actually being — for the most part — conceived, entered into, conducted or dissolved as it should rightfully be anymore.

I pity the younger people coming up behind us as I think that they like the concept of “marriage” but most have no actual real world experience and no societal benefit that would prepare them to even form an accurate idea of what marriage would, could or should be.

It makes me very, very sad indeed to agree with most of the warnings heard here I say “Probably better not do it.” Not right now, anyway. Where there is hope there is life; where there is life there are possibilities.

Just a message to you.

Our relationship had substance and a story. It was remarkable, exceptional even. It could and should have been an everlasting union between you and I, but you destroyed it for temporary means. I’ll never understand why. There is no “why”. All potential reasons are baseless and illogical.

You told me, once upon a time, that I deserve better than you. Yeah, I do. But I can’t get over what could have and should have been. I inevitably, unavoidably encounter way too many nostalgia-inducing mementos – things — on a daily basis. Getting over you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, and that’s saying a lot.

The Way Things Used To Be

Remember you and me
And the way things used to be?
On the phone late at night
Not a single fight

Remember you and I
Before you cheated and lied?
You would be so excited to hear my voice
You said being with me was the very best choice

Remember me and you
When you were my sweet, little baby boo?
When our relationship was the greatest thing
I thought for sure I’d give you that special ring

Remember us
Before you crashed our relationship like a mechanically flawed bus?
You left, forever, not for a while
I’ll never understand how you could turn so vile

Remember we
And how we were just two crazy teens?
You screwed me over with nary a sound
Took my heart and you smashed it into the ground

Thunder Before the Storm (Relationships)

Remember when I wrote about Bekki up and leaving out of nowhere in December 2010?

There were signs. Plenty of them. There are always signs. Of course, she came back eight months later in 2011 and made things even more complicated, but I remember…

— She distanced herself from me as early as late October/November 2009 when she lied to her friends by telling them we were no longer in a relationship and lied to me about telling them that.
— In 2010, we were physically together less and talked on the phone less.
— She became apathetic about knowing how my days went. No longer asking, “How are you?” or inquiring by saying “tell me about your day!”
— We began only seeing each other once a week.

I still miss the way she was in 2008-2009. I’ll always be in love with that beautiful human being from those two years. Not who/what she is now.

Miss you.

Moving on with perseverance because it’s the only choice for future happiness.

Four Years Ago

Four years ago
Little did we know
A Friday in 2009
Could be so damn cold

I’m talking about your heart
You weren’t that way in the start
Of the things that were between us
We could never remain apart

And now it’s been that many years
Forty billion tears
Shed over you
The loss that was always my number one fear

Now I couldn’t take you back
Ever since your heart turned cold and black
The two different days you hurt me the most
Four years ago today, I should give myself some slack

I miss the way things were on that Friday
How you were, in every single way
You loved me so much
Or at least that’s what you used to say

How to Let Go of a Past Relationship: 10 Steps to Move On Peacefully

I’m sharing a post from Tiny Buddha. I’ve had it bookmarked on Google Chrome bookmark toolbar since last March. I need to read it more often. I have to share it this way because there’s no option on the article page to share via WordPress. All credit goes to the awesome author that is Lori Deschene.

This is a great article/post and it applies to both genders, no question. All people struggling to let go of the past and move on (like yours truly) can benefit from reading this. I promise. Without further ado:
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“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Nine years ago my heart was in a million little pieces that formed the basis for a million regrets.

I had my first serious relationship in college, when all my insecurities came to a head. My ex-boyfriend had to juggle multiple roles, from therapist to cheerleader to babysitter.

The whole relationship revolved around holding me up. I realized this soon after it ended—that I spent three years expecting someone else to love me when I didn’t love myself. The guilt and shame kept me single for almost a decade.

I dated, but it was always casual. I’d start getting close to someone and then find a way to sabotage it.

Long after I let go of the man, feelings about the relationship held me back. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of being hurt. But mostly I was afraid of hurting someone else again and having to live with that.

If you’ve been holding onto an old relationship, now is the perfect time to let go. Here’s how you can start moving on:

1. Practice releasing regrets.

When a relationship ends, it’s tempting to dwell on what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. This might seem productive—like you can somehow change things by rehashing it. You can’t.

All dwelling does is cause you to suffer. When you start revisiting the past in your head, pull yourself into the moment. Focus on the good things in your current situation: the friends who are there for you and the lessons you’ve learned that will help you with future relationships.

It might help to tell your friends to only let you vent for 10 minutes at a time. That way you’re free to express your feelings, but not drown in them.

2. Work on forgiving yourself.

You might think you made the biggest mistake of your life, and if only you didn’t do it you wouldn’t be in pain right now. Don’t go down that road—there’s nothing good down there!

Instead, keep reminding yourself that you are human. You’re entitled to make mistakes; everyone does. And you will learn from them and use those lessons to improve your life.

Also, keep in mind: if you want to feel love again in the future, the first step is to prepare yourself to give and receive it. You can only do that if you feel love toward yourself; and that means forgiving yourself.

3. Don’t think about any time as lost.

If I looked at that unhealthy relationship or the following decade as time lost, I’d underestimate all the amazing things I did in that time. True, I was single throughout my 20s, but that made it easier to travel and devote myself to different passions.

If you’ve been clinging to the past for a while and now feel you’ve missed out, shift the focus to everything you’ve gained. Maybe you’ve built great friendships or made great progress in your career.

When you focus on the positive, it’s easier to move on because you’ll feel empowered and not victimized (by your ex, by yourself, or by time.) Whatever happened in the past, it prepared you for now—and now is full of opportunities for growth, peace, and happiness.

4. Remember the bad as well as the good.

Brain scientists suggest nearly 20 percent of us suffer from “complicated grief”—a persistent sense of longing for someone we lost with romanticized memories of the relationship. Scientists also suggest this is a biological occurrence; that the longing can have an addictive quality to it, actually rooted in our brain chemistry.

As a result, we tend to remember everything with reverie, as if it was all sunshine and roses. If your ex broke up with you, it may be even more tempting to imagine she or he was perfect and you weren’t.  In all reality, you both have strengths and weaknesses and you both made mistakes.

Remember them now. As I mentioned in the post 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain, it’s easier to let go of a human than a hero.

5. Reconnect with who you are outside a relationship.

Unless you hop from relationship to relationship, odds are you lived a fulfilling single life before you got into this one. You were strong, satisfied and happy—at least on the whole.

Remember that person now. Reconnect with any people or interests that may have received less attention while you were attached.

The strong, happy, passionate person you were attracted your ex. That person will get you through this loss and attract someone equally amazing in the future when the time is right. Not a sad, depressed, guilt-ridden person clutching to what once was. If you can’t remember who you are, get to know yourself now. What do you love about life?

6. Create separation.

Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past. It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone. Breaking off the friendship might feel like ruining your chances at knowing love again.

It’s helped me to change my hopes to broader terms. So instead of wanting a specific person to re-enter your life, want love and happiness—whatever that may look like.

You will know love again. You won’t spend the rest of your life alone. In one way or another, you will meet all kinds of people and create all kinds of possibilities for relationships—if you forgive yourself, let go, and open yourself up, that is.

7. Let yourself feel.

Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, complete with a grieving process.

First you’re shocked and in denial. You don’t believe it’s over and you hold out hope. Next you feel hurt and guilty. You should have done things differently. If you did you wouldn’t be in this pain.

Then you feel angry and maybe even start bargaining. It would be different if you gave it a second go. You wouldn’t be so insecure, defensive, or demanding.  Then you might feel depressed and lonely as it hits you how much you’ve lost.

Eventually you start accepting what happened and shift your focus from the past to the future.

You have to go through the feelings as they come, but you can help yourself get through them faster. For example, if you’re dwelling in guilt, make forgiving yourself a daily practice. Read books on it, meditate about it or write about it in a journal.

8. Remember the benefits of moving on.

When you let go, you give yourself peace.

Everything about holding on is torturous. You regret, you feel ashamed and guilty, you rehash, you obsess—it’s all an exercise in suffering. The only way to feel peace is to quiet the thoughts that threaten it.

Letting go opens you up to new possibilities.

When you’re holding onto something, you’re less open to giving and receiving anything else.

If you had your arms wrapped around a huge bucket of water, you wouldn’t be able to give anything other than that bucket, or grab anything else that came your way. You might even struggle breathing because you’re clutching something so all-encompassing with so much effort.

You have to give to receive. Give love to get love, share joy to feel joy. It’s only possible if you’re open and receptive.

9. Recognize and replace fearful thoughts.

When you’re holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. Love wants for the other person’s happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel the alternative.

You might not recognize these types of fearful thoughts because they become habitual. Some examples include: I’ll never feel loved again. I’ll always feel lonely. I am completely powerless. Replace those thoughts with: All pain passes eventually. It will be easier if I help them pass by being mindful. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it.

10. Embrace impermanence.

Nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course.

The best way to embrace impermanence is to translate it into action. Treat each day as a life unto itself. Appreciate the people in front of you as if it were their last day on earth. Find little things to gain in every moment instead of dwelling on what you lost.

When I feel like clinging to experiences and people, I remind myself the unknown can be a curse or an adventure. It’s up to me whether or not I’m strong and positive enough to see it as the latter.

It took me eight years to work through my feelings about relationships and letting go; but I am happy to report I am 15 months into a healthy relationship, standing firmly on my own two feet. In fact, last night he flew from California to Boston, where I’ve been visiting for the last two weeks, to spend time with me and my family.

I don’t regret the time when I was single, but I know now I could have hurt less and created even more possibilities for myself if I put more effort into completely letting go. I hope you’ll make that choice.