I’ll Never Get Over My Ex-Girlfriend 100%

It’s been 22 months and 17 days since my last conversation with Bekki.

It’s been 18 months and 2 days since I’ve even spoken to Bekki.

And I’m still not over her. I never will be 100%. Keyword(s): One hundred percent.

I’ve written about it one too many times on here, but that relationship should have been everlasting and eternal. It ended due to bullshit mistakes on both parts. My part? Fear, anxiety and disrespect (towards myself). Her part? Dishonesty, immaturity and infidelity.

I want to go back to the years 2008 and 2009 and stay there forever. I miss the way I was, and more importantly, I miss the way she was. I had a dream last night that’s kept me down in the dumps all day. The dream was about her. She was like the way she was in 2008 and 2009, giggling and laughing, telling me she loved me. I held her.

Then I woke up.

I want to be in a relationship. One might surmise that I shouldn’t be in one right now, but hey, Bekki should have never gotten into another one at her point, yet she’s engaged to some shmuck and has a 9 month old daughter with him. So who the fuck is to say I shouldn’t be in a relationship at this juncture? Problem is, the girls I’ve encountered are bland and underwhelming in contrast to the 2008-2009 version of Bekki. Unfair? Yep, but I can’t just lower my standards and neither should anybody else.

I might as well resolve to be alone for the next several years and just wait, I reckon. I’m still extremely young. I just miss having a girl to hold, tickle, hear her laugh and just ‘be’.

I miss the road trips Bekki and I would take. We could have a serious conversation one minute and laugh about something silly two minutes later. In 2008 and 2009 (before she changed), life was perfect. She was perfect. Our relationship was perfect.

I miss that. Do I miss Bekki? Or do I miss having a girlfriend? Or is what I miss a combination of both factors?

Either way, despite the fact that I am a person that enjoys alone time, I feel so goddamn lonely, unwanted, unmotivated and my confidence is at an all-time low.

Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and pick myself up by the bootstraps, but holy shit, I just want to be happy, satisfied and fulfilled. I miss having a girl wrap her arms around me and tell me that she needs me. Heh… who the fuck even needs, let alone wants me now? I just have three close friends I see merely once a month.

Right now, at my age, I don’t want marriage. I don’t want any kids (right now). I just want stability. With a girl. No lying, no bullshit cheating. Just something with two people that have chemistry, maturity and a desire to spend time together with a bond that features both persons supporting each other through the trials and tribulations in life.


Just a Few Things I Do Every Day to Help Me Not Give a Fuck

Reposting this from Reddit:

This just popped into my mind. I just wanted to share a few tips with you guys and gals to boost your self-confidence in your day to day life. I obviously care about a lot of things and have things that drag me down. But that’s what this subreddit is for right? A collective group of people with the main goal of not giving a fuck and achieving success in life. So here a few tips from me, both physically and mentally, that have found their place in my life and have helped (and still helping me) reinforce my self-esteem.

  • Take a shower in the morning

I don’t know about you guys but for me, when I wake up in the morning I feel groggy as. Taking a shower helps me get refreshed and also helps me mentally plan out my day in my head.

  • Pump up your favorite music and sing and dance your goddamn heart out

I am a horrible dancer and an even worse singer haha. But I just love the fact that I can be so embarrassing when no one but me is around. I think that it demonstrates to myself that this is who I am and I don’t give a FUCK about what people think. It considerably boosts my morale if I’m feeling down and I can start my day knowing that I can be myself and not be ashamed of it.

  • Have a good walking posture

For myself, this is a working progress. I usually slouch because it’s become so natural for me to over the years. But as soon as I straighten my back out and stick out my chest I feel like a whole new person. I don’t know the exact physiology around it but it really is a world of difference between slouching and a boss walking posture. The former almost imitates having huge burdens on your shoulder, whilst the latter imitates not giving a FUCK.

  • Exercise

This probably has been said a million times before but exercise really does wonders for your self-esteem. There’s just so many benefits that come from it. You feel better from the endorphins and satisfaction from hitting the gym. You have a sense of improvement in your physical body and mental framework. Finally, you’ll look better so once more increasing that self-confidence.

  • Talking to people

I used to be really shy but I started one of those annoying charity salespersons on the street (Apologies x 1000) which asked people to donate to charity. Aside from that, I met some really nice people on the streets. I found that the more you talked to people, the more you make them laugh, the more you have an influential impact on them, the higher your self-confidence will be.

  • Try to express your opinion and yourself whenever possible

Whenever you find yourself hesitating to speak up because there is an alternate opinion or because it’s awkward, force yourself to do so. It helps you overcome these mental barriers that you have in your mind the more frequently you express your opinion. Although, do bear in mind that people will find it annoying if you do continually speak your mind in inappropriate circumstances.

  • Lastly, talk with authority in your tone

Try projecting your voice a little louder with a bit more force at the end of your tongue. Not only does it make people trust you more because you sound more secure and grounded in what your saying, but it also subconsciously tricks your brain into thinking that you are a boss and that you are important.

Hopefully these few tips will benefit someone in some way!

I’ve Lost Ten More Lbs. to Get to 215!

Just 12 days ago, I was 225 lbs. Now, I’m 215. Probably water weight, because I still haven’t noticed a surefire reduction in bodyfat, but who knows? I haven’t lost any strength and, if anything, I feel stronger. To attest to that, my mom came back from a trip last night and I carried in a fuckton of her heavy ass bags without struggle.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with me, I’m a 6’2″-6’3″ man. The fat I’m trying to drop is flab in estrogen-dominant areas like the belly, ‘love handles’ and chest. I’m trying to lean out and acquire a defined shape.

As I’ve written before, I’ve barely changed my diet. I’m just eating whole grain sandwiches now, with a couple of apples in there, counting calories and keeping my protein moderately high and my dietary fat consumption at a level that will aid in hormonal balance. I guess the biggest takeaway from all of this is that I’ve increased my fiber content, thus helping out digestion. Perhaps that can be chalked up to the 16 lb. loss since August.

Regardless, my current goal is to drop to 200. lbs and go from there.

On Marriage

Marriage is NOT a trap and if it turns out that way, you trapped yourself or allowed another to trap you. Choose more wisely.

Marriage is NOT a joke unless it is made a mockery of.

Marriage is not a “deal”. It is the union of two separate lives into one mutual effort.

Marriage is not indentured servitude, unless you marry a slave or a slave master. Again — choose more wisely.

Essentially, all of these horrid descriptions of marriage we hear are actually describing “marriage” – that poor, mutilated little word that folks who really didn’t intend on fulfilling the real deal call their little “arrangements”.

Often times it is one partner who gaffs the load and sometimes it is both but at the end of the day I don’t think that marriage is actually being — for the most part — conceived, entered into, conducted or dissolved as it should rightfully be anymore.

I pity the younger people coming up behind us as I think that they like the concept of “marriage” but most have no actual real world experience and no societal benefit that would prepare them to even form an accurate idea of what marriage would, could or should be.

It makes me very, very sad indeed to agree with most of the warnings heard here I say “Probably better not do it.” Not right now, anyway. Where there is hope there is life; where there is life there are possibilities.

In Control of the Internet?! Large AND In Charge?!

Why hell yeah!

Or a soft “hell no”!

If I were in charge of the internet and the “Big Boss Daddy”, so to speak, of the interwebs, the entire e-world would be one giant bin for looney toons. Then again, it already is, and I’d might just make a damn good Prime Minister of the internet world.

This post was prompted by today’s WordPress Daily Post.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Balalaika | Village & Countryside Tourism
  2. Russian accordionist | Village & Countryside Tourism
  3. The Leader | The Magic Black Book
  4. PM of Internet? Are you out of your mind? « RPMAS
  5. New Internet Order « Geek Ergo Sum
  6. Daily Prompt: New Internet Order | Under the Monkey Tree
  7. Daily Prompt: New Internet Order « Mama Bear Musings
  8. Headlong into you | We Live In A Flat
  9. Don’t follow Me, I’m Lost | Just Visiting This Planet
  10. Big Government | Conversations
  11. 189. Cybernation | Barely Right of Center
  12. No, no, not I! | alienorajt
  13. What Part Of “No” Don’t You Understand? | The Jittery Goat
  14. Daily Prompt: New Internet Order | Of Glass & Paper
  15. Silhouettes | Broken Light: A Photography Collective
  16. Thou shall not fake thy year of birth | JC Bride ~
  17. Daily Prompt: New internet Order | Life as a country bumpkin…not a city girl
  18. ONE MONTH OF BLOGGING! | I’m just Super Saiyan
  19. Daily Prompt: New Internet Order | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss
  20. Neva Samaki
  21. Daily Prompt: New Internet Order | lifebeinggirly
  22. Duncan the Sushi Roll #16 | Neva Samaki
  23. One Of Them | Flowers and Breezes
  24. One Starving Activist
  25. A Plea for Disconnection | Displaced Roots
  26. No more spying | Life is great
  27. Daily Prompt: New Internet Order, Find Another Fool! | Overcoming Bloglessness
  28. Virtual Leader | Random Blotches
  29. Internet Leader? | Haiku By Ku
  30. Daily Prompt: New World Wide Order | My Atheist Blog
  31. Daily Prompt: New Internet Order | Vagabond
  32. Racing to the LEAD | It’s a wonderful F’N life
  33. Daily Prompt: New Internet Order – WHEN I AM QUEEN | SERENDIPITY
  34. LAUGHING INTERNET | Emotional Fitness
  35. S. Thomas Summers | Daily Prompt: Leader
  36. I Disrespectfully Decline…..(wp daily prompt) | Daily Observations
  37. Take Me To Your Leader | CurTales
  38. Prompt-ly, my dear… | Relax
  39. ♦ the ruler rap ♦ | The RunningFather Blog
  40. A brief net response, but moving onto specs… | thoughtsofrkh
  41. WIthout loosing privacy | crookedeyebrows

Picking a Blog to Read

Finding an enjoyable blog to read is like running into a million bucks left on the ground. Well, not quite that, because I actually have no idea how that feels (or would feel), but I do know that I’ve never really sat down and scoured the web looking for a blog to read. I just casually run into websites through Google and/or WordPress and happen to land onto a blog.

I’m not a picky person; I’d like to think my interests are eclectic enough to help lead a path to find a plethora of good blogs to visit. So, with that said, my criteria lies on whether or not the blog can make me think, is humorous, ‘different’ and all that jazz. If the writer has a peculiar style and a way with words, that could also hook my readership. A unique blog by a writer with their own perspective of things that goes outside the conventional norm will attract me each and every single time. I find those types the most interesting.

And people that can use the words (or phrase for the latter) pulchritudinous and indole-3-carbinol in the same sentence gets me! Although I haven’t ran into anybody who’s used both terminologies in a same sentence. (Yet?)

The internet, and WordPress alone, is vast. My favorite blogs to find are the ones that are truly diamonds in the rough. They inspire me to aspire to be on their level. I’m just a guy that types his thoughts out, much like many out there in the land of WordPress.

This post was prompted by the WordPress Daily Post.

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. How to deal with writers: Good advice for readers from online resource Ezine | The Collaborative Writer
  2. Who is Bzebza? | Inside My Glitching Mind
  3. Baby time | Warm memories from the heart of Mother Russia
  4. Playing fetch with a crafty dog | We Live In A Flat
  5. Always Judge A Book By Its Cover | The Magic Black Book
  6. Cellar Door | Phelio a Random Post a Day
  7. Daily Prompt: Reading Material « Mama Bear Musings
  8. Reading Material « Geek Ergo Sum
  9. A Great Quote | Conversations
  10. Reading matter | Sue’s Trifles
  11. Daily Prompt: Reading Material | Under the Monkey Tree
  12. Something Great, Exhilarating | crookedeyebrows
  13. The Story of The Lance | The Life NomadikThe Life Nomadik
  14. Biases | JC Bride ~
  15. Hump Day | unknowinglee
  16. What makes you click? | Crossroads
  17. How Do I Pick My Reading Material? | Bipolar For Life
  18. How To Write So People Will Keep Reading; Be Real | The Jittery Goat
  19. Daily Prompt: Reading Material « cognitive reflection
  20. Reading books/Reading blogs | Hope* the happy hugger
  21. Daily Prompt: Reading Material | Life as a country bumpkin…not a city girl
  22. 188. It Never Fails | Barely Right of Center
  23. What I Read | Crow Arrow, Inc.
  24. Reading Material | Just another wake-up call
  25. The Joy of Sex and other tomes… | alienorajt
  26. Daily Prompt: Reading Material | genieve celada | photography
  27. My Other Blog | Daily Prompt: Reading Material
  28. Eeny, Meeny,Miny, Moe- Pick a Book and off you go, | Kansa Muse on Micro Farming and More
  29. To Read Or Not To Read: Daily Prompt | Just Visiting This Planet
  30. Daily Prompt: Reading Material | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss
  31. 7 things punctuation will do for you that a man won’t | writemybrainsout
  32. To Read Or Not To Read: Daily Prompt | Just Visiting This Planet
  33. Choices | The Land Slide Photography
  34. Daily Prompt: Reading Material | lifebeinggirly
  35. Old Books | Barefoot on Rainy Days
  36. One Starving Activist
  37. Daily Prompt: Reading material | Valley Girl Gone Country
  38. What Makes It Worth the Read? | Stuphblog
  39. Daily Prompt: Reading Material | Vagabond
  40. Books and Blogs | Flowers and Breezes
  41. Daily Prompt: Reading Material | Eccentric Lady
  42. Into the Light | Broken Light: A Photography Collective
  43. Daily Prompt: Photographs and beautiful words | viver para contar
  44. How do you pick what blogs or books to read? | Processing the life
  45. Stop staring at her boobs! | My Atheist Blog
  46. Daily Prompt: Reading Material | CrTalk
  47. Looking for treasures | Life is great
  48. Daily Prompt: Reading Material | From the C-Sweet
  49. Reading Material | The Nameless One
  50. My kingdom for a book! | Daily Prompt: Reading Material | Ireland, Multiple Sclerosis and Me
  51. PRACTICE KINDNESS | Emotional Fitness
  52. Click | Spunky Wayfarer
  53. Choosing Is Hard | Tony’s Texts
  54. More than Ordinary | Ripples of Truth
  55. Daily Prompt: Reading Material | Live, Love, Laugh, Dance, Pray
  56. Daily Prompt: Reading Material | Passionate Ambika
  57. His Dark Reading Materials | Rob’s Surf Report
  58. Inferno: A Review | djgarcia94
  59. Books that Glimmer | The Silver Leaf Journal
  60. Can’t go wrong with The King. | thoughtsofrkh
  61. What I Like About You | Reinvention of Mama
  62. Daily Prompt: Reading Material | From Slacker To Scribe
  63. The Nature of Wisdom….(wp daily prompt) | Daily Observations
  64. The Blog Not Read (featuring Robert Frost) | The Otter in my Jotter

I’ve Lost Five Pounds Over the Last Month

Not a success. “Weight loss” is a deception, and I dislike the term. “Fat loss” is more apropos and doesn’t show up on a scale.

For those that haven’t followed my blog since the last time I discussed this, I’m around the ballpark of 6’2″ to 6’3″ in height, and in early August I was standing at 230 pounds. Now, I carry most of my fat in my gut, chest and ‘love handles’, the worst areas for fat storage in men since they are estrogen-dominant areas, especially the gut, and likely mitigate my testosterone levels. I also carry a solid amount of fat in my face and ass, which don’t bother me as much, albeit I’d like to lose fat in my face to emphasize my jawline a bit more.

I was in the best shape of my life back in September 2009 and May 2010. I was doing bodyweight exercises, lifting dumbbells, utilizing my treadmill in the basement and getting on the elliptical at my aunt’s house on a near daily basis. I was also carrying a heavy bookbag around back then and was naturally strong overall. I was around 195-205 pounds at that time. Regardless, I don’t look ‘bad’, I’m just flabby, and flab is the enemy. I want to be a beast, and look like one.

Anyhow, by September 1st of this year, I’d gotten to 228; after a month of on-again/off-again commitment to a caloric deficit, I’ve dropped down to 223 pounds, and I’m not sure I consider it a success. I’m still flabby and don’t see any reduction in fat. As for strength, I haven’t felt any decreases, either. I can’t put the blame on water weight, because I only went from five bottles of water (16.9 ounce bottles) a day to eight bottles.

So I reckon it’s a mixture.

I should increase my protein intake to 1 gram per pound of lean body mass, but I’m not exactly sure how much lean body mass I actually have, and I’ll be damned if I go 1 pound per bodyweight, because as much as I like meat and other protein packed foods, acquiring 220 grams of protein a day is tedious.

I’ll keep updating and see how this goes. I’ve been taking Muscle Pharm’s Shred Matrix. In about a month I’m going to try out the new Muscle Pharm product from the new Arnold Schwarzenegger line Iron Cuts. It looks to be promising since the ingredient profile features agents that should fight the effects of catabolism/muscle loss.

Other supplements I’ve been taking asides from MP’s Shred Matrix:
— 5,000 IU of vitamin D (D3)
— Life Extension’s Super K (Vitamin K2 for D3/calcium uptake)
— Triple strength fish oil (2 to 4 caps a day)
— Juice Plus Orchard and Garden Blends (I usually don’t take products like this, but I got a box of these for free, so why not?)
— Muscle Pharm’s CLA (conjugated linoleic acid; perhaps a waste of money)
— Coconut oil (through capsules, the oil from Nutiva or cooking)

I’m still eating in a caloric deficit, and despite the ‘weight loss’, I’ve noticed minimal fat loss (as in none), but I’ll keep on trucking forward because in my mind that’s the only option at this point. Well, one of two options: become a beast or stay flabby, unappealing and mediocre.